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fucking hate birthdays. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

I am someone who doesn’t know how to appreciate things. I put in no effort to sustain a relationship, be it with my family, with my friends, with a lover. I let things be - things fester and rot away and the smell builds up until there are years and years of filth and decay in my heart. It’s time for me to clean away this buildup and spring clean at the very fibre of my personality and myself. I’ve always wondered how some people can do it, having a wonderful relationship with their family and friends, and more importantly, with God. I’ve lost touch with Him and perhaps never even bothered to get to know Him well. but somehow by Your grace Lord, I’m still back here, hungry to know You more. I’m determined to clean out all the dust and dirt from the abysses and strengthen my relationship with You. for You have never left me, regardless of how poor my attitude is, how poorly I’ve treated You. truly like a Father, you have never given up on me. I’ve had too many second chances, but still You are merciful. and You’ve shown me what it’s like to never give up on someone. I’ve felt You carry me over deep waters so many times, felt Your presence and heard Your words, and yet I still turn You away. I can’t even begin to express my regret and shame.

Likewise with earthly relationships. My friends call their parents almost 3x a week, and I do that probably 3x a year. My sister emails them with pictures of her life, and although I did try in the beginning, I gave up when they failed to respond. But my God is not as faithless as me. He doesn’t give up on me, and I admit I have been a most difficult child right up until now. Don’t even talk about events pertaining to the man I love, as you can see, is clearly documented on this blog. It’s so difficult for me to find friends and people who love and care for me dearly, and yet I make no attempt to treasure any of them. I feel so ashamed of myself. Undeserving, indolent, selfish, conceited. Yet saved only by His grace. Amazing grace.

I am not ashamed of my tears. Broken down, broken into, only by grace. Knowing You is truly my greatest blessing. For most of my life, I’ve been wandering around aimlessly, ambling and stumbling onto things without a clear direction. I know what His plans are for me, and I know what He wants me to do, but the lack of effort have often led me to make the cut marginally, or even missing the boat altogether. But I’m not giving up. If He hasn’t given up on me, what right do I have to give up on myself? God sent His begotten son to die for our sins. From now on, I will make the best effort in Your glory, in Your honour. People judge me not just for myself; they also judge me as a child of God. I will strive to try to live up to being a Christian, Lord.

Father, thank you for always being there for me no matter what happened, no matter how bad my attitude was. Unfailingly, unconditionally.

so after so long, i end up exactly like her. i wish i wasn’t, i wish i hadn’t. but in the end i am where she was two years ago. in fact, she is still in the same spot too. i hope i don’t end up still stuck waist-deep in this mud two years later.

on being a woman, i still have much to learn. no matter what you do, you can never win, can you?

God, lead me where you want me to go.

1. When you can’t see Jesus, Jesus sees you. He sees your hard work, exhaustion, sorrow, fear and your lack of progress and He cares deeply for you.

2. When you can’t come to Jesus, Jesus comes to you - in expected and powerful ways. His coming is not always to deliver us, but to remind us that He is in control and will not let us be overwhelmed.

3. When we can’t speak to Jesus, He speaks to us, powerful words of assurance “I am here!”

happy mooncake festival :) mooncakes, round dumplings, full moon, gatherings. it’s no surprise why i adore the midautumn festival. didnt i tell you, i fell in love with the moon, and never really got over her.

everything that has to be said and done has been over. thursday was a day of tears and hurt and closure and peace. once i get it back, everything will return to how it was before. and that scares me, but things have changed and i am no longer the girl i was back then. i have a whole ‘family’ here with people i love and care about, and i have huge, tangible dreams to pursue. things are so much better this semester, living with dear, dear friends in a flat and not having horrible subjects to get angry over. i may not be happy inside out, but i am constantly happy and smiley, and that is more than enough. thanks to the One above watching over me, i have love in abundance.

today someone called me ‘perfect’ and it made me laugh because i am imperfect as imperfection goes. but then everyone is perfect with their imperfections. i am perfectly me because i am so perfect with all my flaws. there is beauty in imperfection, but there is also perfect in imperfection.

it’s week 4, and i have to start working hard! can’t wait till the internet is set up, and until then i will have to settle with my phone. need to start blogging proper again! it doesn’t matter if nobody reads this anymore because i will start blogging elsewhere with bits about my daily life, just because i have to deal with my feelings appropriately. my blogging has always been for my own introspection.

currently missing my babes in canada. hope i get a white christmas this year :)

must not forget today. what we said today. what i hated about myself today. that person in the mirror, those words on my lips, the mentalitythethoughtstheheart. remember the purpose, remember the reasons, remember the goals. remember the purpose for the purpose. know what i have to do, and do it well. humility. strength. dedication. i have nothing but passion.

一个人做饭、一个人吃饭、一个人洗碗。 朋友说很寂寞，很孤单。
试吃朋友做的家常菜
好羡慕，好嫉妒，也好开心
因为能分享他们的幸福
但自己一人
还是能过得很快乐
不过虽然是这样，但对我而言还是一件我很喜欢的事。
从来都没有人教过我怎么煮
以前连煎个蛋都会出问题
虽然现在心不在焉还是一样
可是至少试着尝试
才会有成功的一天。
有的成功有的失手
但都是自己的努力
难吃的也逼自己尝尝
这样才能记得失败的滋味。
我根本不懂得画画，
但300多页的书本都给我填满了。
我根本不懂得烧菜，
但我现在还是能快快乐乐的享受皮蛋瘦肉粥
虽然是很简单的画，很简单的菜
但我真的很开心
吃的时候还笑自己没专心
皮蛋切的太大了
有很多地方可以细心一点。
虽然还是非常的孤单
但是还是很喜欢
毕竟是自己做的，
成就感满满的
一个人做饭、一个人吃饭、一个人洗碗。 本身就是一种幸福。

so i’m getting tired of this living alone thing. days like these when i feel down, i just don’t want to be alone. and then i end up coming home on average at midnight. what’s the point of having a home with no one but yourself in it? i should be used to it, but i’m not.

do i cry or do i not, which is better?

i registered my username for facebook, then i deactivated it. you won’t see me on msn often too. little lies for making you seem less alone. sad little cheap tricks. pathetic. yet i am still hanging by the thread.

i am seeking solace in a warm bowl of porridge and yeo’s soya bean drink. i want this for every meal of my life.