一个人做饭、一个人吃饭、一个人洗碗。 朋友说很寂寞，很孤单。
试吃朋友做的家常菜
好羡慕，好嫉妒，也好开心
因为能分享他们的幸福
但自己一人
还是能过得很快乐
不过虽然是这样，但对我而言还是一件我很喜欢的事。
从来都没有人教过我怎么煮
以前连煎个蛋都会出问题
虽然现在心不在焉还是一样
可是至少试着尝试
才会有成功的一天。
有的成功有的失手
但都是自己的努力
难吃的也逼自己尝尝
这样才能记得失败的滋味。
我根本不懂得画画，
但300多页的书本都给我填满了。
我根本不懂得烧菜，
但我现在还是能快快乐乐的享受皮蛋瘦肉粥
虽然是很简单的画，很简单的菜
但我真的很开心
吃的时候还笑自己没专心
皮蛋切的太大了
有很多地方可以细心一点。
虽然还是非常的孤单
但是还是很喜欢
毕竟是自己做的，
成就感满满的
一个人做饭、一个人吃饭、一个人洗碗。 本身就是一种幸福。

so i’m getting tired of this living alone thing. days like these when i feel down, i just don’t want to be alone. and then i end up coming home on average at midnight. what’s the point of having a home with no one but yourself in it? i should be used to it, but i’m not.

do i cry or do i not, which is better?

i registered my username for facebook, then i deactivated it. you won’t see me on msn often too. little lies for making you seem less alone. sad little cheap tricks. pathetic. yet i am still hanging by the thread.

i am seeking solace in a warm bowl of porridge and yeo’s soya bean drink. i want this for every meal of my life.

I try, but my heart is full. There is no more space for entry. No use speculating who I like or if I like this or that guy, because I am telling you, my heart is full.

It’s full and it’s eroding day by day and it hurts like fuck. So no, I will not play childish games anymore with anyone. I will just tell you straight that my heart is full.

I am running on empty.

明明就找到的一段刻骨铭心的爱情，却怎么都保不住自己原以为最重要的人。怎么能够不对自己失望，不认为自己是失败者呢？在爱情这方面我已输得很彻底。而我也没精神去管了。

分手了那么久，也有和别的男生约会。但又怎样？

好男生到处都是，可能以后还会比他更疼我。但又怎样？

我和他的爱情是多么辛苦、多么激烈。要在找到这样的爱情，我看是不可能的了。要让自己再那样爱一次，我想，也不可能了。

毕竟爱过、拥有过、痛过、失去过之后，要再把自己摆上去任人宰割，那真的太蠢了。我再也没有力气玩这游戏。可能就这游戏不适合我玩。

我玩不起。这种赌博我输不起。

之前也跟自己说，不能再一次馅得太深，结果还不是一头栽进去，跌得头破血流？

我受够了，这种痛苦我生命中真的不需要。怎么别人恋爱，我也恋爱，但他们的爱情却那么长久、那么值得他们付出？而我，却还在此时此刻为那段不值得的爱情落泪…
不是失败者是什么？

原来承诺是那么轻易打破的东西。原来海誓山盟也只是骗人的字眼。

原来爱情是只在乎曾经拥有的，因为没有什么是天长地久的。如果上天要我拥有再失去，我宁可从来没拥有过。

为什么我不能像他们一样，失去再拥有，拥有再失去，潇潇洒洒的爱？我真的痛够了，哭够了。却怎么都放不下自己是这样彻彻底底的失去。我知道我失去了我就永远在不能找找到这样的感情。

也罢。如果真要我孤孤单单过一生，或和不爱的人在一起，我也只好认了。

因为我需要的是平静安稳的日子。我再也经不起考验了。因为付出的从来不会等于收回的。

我也很讨厌沉醉于伤感的人，但每天都要用笑容待人，我好辛苦。

是不是假装没事就真的没事呢？朋友认识的我，是满脸笑容，坚强的我。

但每天回到家我又变回那个泄了气的气球，好累好累。

自己只能在被窝里哭。哭是一种懦弱的行为，见不得人。但有时候，眼泪也不听使唤。

小时候不懂事，认为如果一生中能轰轰烈烈的爱一场，就应该死而无憾。

但爱过之后才发现，这种感觉生不如死。你宁愿躺在病床上被折磨，还是宁愿一死了之？

我宁愿从来没爱过。至少总有个希望，而没有把梦想全部毁掉。

朋友给的鼓励也是我最大的安慰吧。我一无所有。有时候还觉得朋友是最大的原动力。

我很感谢生命中还有耶稣给于我力量和希望。看着我一错再错，却始终没有放弃过。

却怎么都抹不掉自己终究是一个失败者的现实。唯一能做的，是尽量坭补这个事实。

做好自己本分就好，其他不用去理会. remember.

i cannot get used to this helplessness. i cannot be used to crying. i need to be strong. i need to stay strong. collect my feelings. i wonder if blogging is a form of intrapersonal communication. fuck. concentrate, concentrate.

why does doing the right thing always hurt so much? i saw you walk away, and i did too. but i had to do that. i’m so sorry. i’m scared. it was an excuse. sure, i don’t like it when people are like that. but i have to remember that i was once like that myself. people always fail people. get used to it. get over it. i’m sorry i had to hurt you.

i wish hollie was here with me. or at least someone who could understand. and not judge. i’m sick of judgmental looks and pseudo sympathetic tones.

but i’m thankful for three-day weeks. thank you. i hope i don’t disappoint you.

i really hope it remains this way, this feeling. about this place, about what i’m doing. i think i’m falling in love with the way this country breathes.

yes i’m in the sunshine state. and i am in a sunshine state :)

perhaps when i get more settled i’ll finally be able to word my thoughts properly.

Take this quiz to find out if u are girly or not! :D
below 40 = Not Girly
above 40 = Girlie
above 55 = Paris Hilton

[ ] My fingernails/toenails are almost always painted.
[X] During the summer pretty much the only shoes I wear are flip flops.
[ ] My favorite toy as a child were barbies.
[X] My favorite color is pink or purple.
[X] I took dance. [in primary school yes]
[ ] I love skirts/shorts. [er weird question]
[X] Shops at the mall.
[ ] Tight jeans are the only jeans Ill wear.
[X] I love chocolate.
TOTAL SO FAR: 5

[X] I straighten my hair. [used to, not anymore]
[ ] I have at least 8 facebook pictures.
[X] I usually go shopping once a week. [at least]
[X] I love to hang out with friends. [when i'm not lazy]
[X] I have a real diamond ring or diamond necklace. [yea kinda]
[ ] I’ve gone to a tanning salon.
[ ] I’ve gone to the beach to tan - not to swim. [nevah!]
[ ] I have at least 10 pairs of shoes. [now bags, different story]
[X] I watch(ed) either The OC, Laguna Beach OR Desperate Housewives. [Desperate please]
[ ] I change my profile weekly.
[X] I have worn a shower cap. [but i hate them]

TOTAL SO FAR: 11

[ ] I would NEVER step foot into Hot Topic.
[ ] My cell phone might as well become a part of me.
[ ] I wear mascara everyday.
[X] I’ve been or am on a diet.
[ ] Bathing suits are adorable.
[ ] I don’t know the difference between a sheep and a goat.
[ ] Tattoos are Gross.
[X] I have gotten my nails done. [my first and probably last manicure done today]
[X] I own over 10 purses. [guilty as charged]
[ ] MuchMusic is my one of my favorite channels.

TOTAL SO FAR: 14

[ ] I like to talk about boys. [nope, not me]
[ ] I love to have other people do my hair.
[X] I like to give and receive hugs from all my friends.
[X] I hate bugs. [who likes them??]
[X] Carnivals are so fun! [they are!]
[ ] Summer is THE best season. [not when you have summer all year round]
[ ] My swimsuit has 2 pieces.
[ ] I’m waiting for my knight in shining armor. [riiiight.]
[X] Musicians are hot. [wang ahem lee hom kthx]
[ ] You write me a poem and tell me I’m beautiful and I’m all yours. [um...poem yes beautiful no.]

TOTAL SO FAR: 18

[X] I’m self-conscious.
[X] I cry often.
[ ] My room smells like vanilla. [i remember how the guys said sonya's room smelled like oranges and mine smelt like choc in 2005 lol]
[X] My dishes get washed more then once a week.
[X] I don’t do sports [just gym]
[ ] I HATE to run.
[X] I squeal when I am surprised [sometimes?]
[X] I eat dried fruit as a snack. [with nuts thank you!]
[X] Has seen and read Twilight series. [NOT an edward cullen fan. jacob black ftw.]
[X] Drew Barrymore is so cute. [she is whaat]

TOTAL SO FAR: 26

[ ] I dance a lot. [can't dance to save my life]
[ ] I usually spend over an hour to get ready to leave my house. [oh i know some guys who are like this]
[X] My hair is important [but i still dont comb it]
[ ] I love to get dressed up.
[ ] Every part of my outfit needs to match.
[ ] I talk on the phone at least once a day to my friends.
[ ] I’d love to have a photo shoot of myself.
[ ] The price on clothes hardly matters.
[ ] I apply lipgloss 50 times a day.
[ ] I wish I were a model.

TOTAL SO FAR: 27

[ ] I wish I could meet Paris Hilton.
[ ] I wanted or have been something that was slutty on Halloween.
[ ] R&B is the best music.
[ ] I pop my collar.
[ ] Guys with Mohawks are GROSS!
[X] Horses are beautiful
[ ] I never pay attention in school.
[X] Puppies are adorable.

TOTAL SO FAR: 29

[X] I speak IM. [think IM too. i know, im ashamed.]
[X] I would love to visit Hawaii [definitely!]
[ ] Valentine’s day is so cute! [if you say so...]
[ ] White is better than black.
[ ] I wouldn’t be caught dead in all black.
[ ] My closet is STOCK FULL of clothes.
[X] I hate the grunge look of a beard. [clean shaven kthx]
[ ] I love flowers.

TOTAL SO FAR: 32

[X] I love to Doodle. [but they don't look like anything]
[X] I love Celine Dion. [mhm i guess]
[ ] My baths are 2 hours long
[ ] My wedding only needs a groom because it’s already planned.
[ ] My friends and I are in a strict group. We mostly only hang out with each other.
[X] I like kids. [defo]
[X] Diet drinks are the best. [pepsi max 1st, then coke zero]
[X] I have been a vegetarian. [and am intending to go back to it soon]
[ ] I refuse to eat at McDonald’s. [i am not bb wtf]

TOTAL SO FAR: 37

[X] I check my facebook everyday. [mostly because i am addicted to certain games]
[X] I have a lot of jewelry. [mostly earrings and necklaces]
[ ] Only have gold jewelry.
[ ] My screen name[s] has x’s in them.
[X] Either one of my msn names has/had <3/♥’s in them. [<333]
[ ] I would never want to be the opposite sex. [i wish i was a guy]
[X] I have more than 3 pillows on my bed [and a bolster and several stuffed toys]

Total: 41

awww passed 40 just by a bit. quite interesting quiz tho :)

because i’ve done some variant of this in the past, i didnt do it when it was all over facebook. but i’m bored la, so i’m doing it now.

1. i am not a nice person. i can be friendly, but i will never be nice. oh and, try not to offend me. it’s a warning for your own good. i do not like nice people. i.e. people who are nice to everyone but still has their hates and likes. i call these people hypocritical. if i do not like you, boy, you will know it. thus you can and will only expect only honest opinions from me.

2. i know what friend category you are in based on what name you call me. as in, where i know you from or how i know you, or what kind of friend you are to me. and i categorise you into a friend category by your reaction to what i say or to certain things. i don’t need many friends, as long as i have true friends. those i can’t live without, and it hurts me if we grow distant. i expect to be treated in kind of how i treat you. if you are not worthy of my friendship, i will not bother to contact you ever again.

3. i’ve always wanted to be able to jog. i love to run but i lack stamina. a large part of my motivation for gymming is to be able to gain stamina to run. i’ve never been fit and i’m finding that although hard for me now, i do love sports :) yep imma saggittarius. Read the rest of this entry »

haha fine it’s all my fault. no matter what i do no matter what i say it’s still my fault nonetheless. and that you take it to be so makes me not want to meet you anymore. maybe it was wrong from the beginning. i should never have been there. but what pains me is that you think it’s my fault instead of his. he’s the one that made the date and cancelled on you. why is it my fault for trying to make you feel better? after hurting everyone, myself included, in the end you still think i was at fault, haha. what more do i have to say? i’m done defending myself. but since you think it’s still my fault then i don’t think we can be friends anymore. because we’re really two different individuals, and there will never be any way to erase the guilt, because i know you still hurt. i can tell. and perhaps the best remedy is to forget about everything, forget about me, forget about you. and maybe we can hope to live.