zerite.net

sorry i haven’t been updating much. there’s been so much i want to say, but every time i open this thing i don’t know the best way to put it, and as my old english teacher mr N would say - i’m a perfectionist when it comes to words. i like to think of myself as a literary acupuncturist :) which is… really an excuse for not blogging. heh. oh no why did i say it out loud?!

anyway. there are a lot of things that i can’t really say, sadly, in fear that the repercussions might be overwhelming.

i’m going back to singapore tomorrow. i wish someone would tell me what to do. i’m sick of being the one people come to for advice, and have no one to advise me on things because no one can empathise. i wish people would understand. in times like this i really wish my parents would not be so deadset on one option and close their minds to others. how am i supposed to discuss things with them like that? and i desperately need them to understand. my sis is going to osaka next month for half a year, and home will be scary again, just like it has been when she was away in hiroshima earlier. i was at home in july because she was away, but in half a month she will be gone, and i think i will be here in malaysia again soon after. i really don’t know how us humans can love and dislike some people so strongly at the same time. i wish it was as easy as pack my bags and leave. i don’t know what will happen at home, what will happen to me, what will happen at all. i just hope things go smoothly as planned.

god, i really need you now. please, i need help. i hate it when people say “oh she’s smart, she’ll figure things out” and forget that i’m not even out of my teens. i’m just a kid who’s gone off track and needs to get back on. i don’t need these unnecessary complications in my already exceedingly complicated life.

it’s so frustrating that i can’t even say what i want to say properly in my own bloody blog ARGH. people, to read my password-protected posts, EMAIL me.

For a place to call my own, for a home where I truly belong. No need to consult whoever on what I can or cannot do. I can have wooden flooring with snug carpets, with comfy couches and a dog on my lap. No drinking out of plastic bottles or eating from fastfood takeaways. I’d get a bicycle if I want, and go travelling to an exotic country, just me and my backpack, without informing anyone but the pet motel. I’ll be free to do whatever I want, be it embarrassing headbopping to cringe-worthy music or eating ice-cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

I don’t know how long it’s been since I’ve returned home to the aroma of delicious homecooked food waiting on the table for me. Wouldn’t it be great if like when you’re all stressed out about things at school/work, you know that you can always count on returning home to something warm, comforting and amazing? When I was in Penang I was so touched; once the part-time maid had actually made me porridge after I got home from practice! See why I like the good wife’s guide now? Can I have a househusband please? What if I say pretty please and give you a brownie?? Sigh why wasn’t I born a guy?!

When I was in Primary One and one of our assignments was to draw our greatest wish. I drew a picture of my family having dinner all together. I’ve always loved Chinese New Year because of the atmosphere, and of course, reunion dinner. Or rather, numerous reunion dinners. It’s a bit like the Western Christmas where the extended family gather to have a meal together amidst discussions, jokes and laughter all around. Love the festive season.

I like being random and having fun. Like standing under the sensors in a parking space and watching the light overhead turn from green to red. Using the flat escalators as treadmills. Lying on the road at night pretending to be starfish or freezing my hand in ice-cold water before shaking hands with people. Making snow angels on the white ground and then having a snowball fight trampling on each other’s angel. Stealing snowballs from others and throwing it at them. Being an ‘Indian Jellyfish’ in the swimming pool complete with a whole Crayon Shinchan-esque dance. Just being spontaneous and making people smile. I wish for great friends to unleash their inner kiddoes to be crazy with me!! And perhaps also for someone special to share the future with. Imagine spending Friday nights just lounging and singing our hearts out (out of tune would be best hehe) to energy-packed songs! Preferably with a drink in hand hahaha.

I’ve always dreamed of decorating my own place. It doesn’t have to be big as long as it’s cosy and spells contentment. Dim romantic lights accompanying the minimalistic designs in white and purple(or blue), with fat plushy cushions to sink into after a tiring day. Something stylish yet comfy. Maybe with horizontal striped turquoise walls (or vertical pink&grey stripes) or a little water garden that exudes tranquility and peace. I’ll have large cookie jars with labels that say ‘Cure for headaches and heartaches’ or ‘Have a little bit of love on me’. A huge wall to scribble or doodle on, which will be filled with inane scrawls of whatever fills my head that very moment - like a Twitterwall!! Furry carpets/huge rugs on wooden floorboards. Pretty paintings and dressy curtains (or maybe Roman blinds). White sheets with thick, fluffy pillows. Home would look splendid with the scorching sun filtered (unless it’s somewhere like Canada and it’s not summer), or sunbeams dancing on the water. A single armchair to curl up in reading a good book on a rainy day would be lovely.

I would like a garden too please, where I will let my dog (hopefully dogs) roam freely and I will be at ease with Mother Nature. I would like to lie under the stars (just like how we slept under the stars at the beach in Batu Ferringhi on Friday nights) and have a nightsky dotted with stars as dazzling as that of Bintan’s. I remember the rush of cold air in the dead of winter in Canada while I walked with a good friend, chatting about anything that popped into our heads, having to keep walking lest we freeze. With the stars watching over us and the moon accompanying us, together with good conversation… what more is there to ask for? :)

Can’t you just imagine a room with a door leading to a small veranda/patio with a gorgeous view? I’ll sit there and paint, or have breakfast with the birds bringing their first song of joy early in the morning. Kinda reminds me of my guesthouse in Khao Lak, where there is a view of a vast expanse of sky, land and sea dwarfing you with its immensity and taking your breath away with its natural yet exceptional beauty.

The possibilities are endless, the future unrestrained, the love overflowing. A place where dreams are cultivated and hopes are encouraged, where imagination runs wild and utopia seems dull. Hopefully where the rest of my life is spent with that special someone and lots and lots of laughter.

i’ve been in kl moving into my new room. which has no internet. apparently the internet in that area is really bad, so there’s no use applying for it. i might look into getting that portable maxis modem thing, which looks nifty, although it’s far more expensive than singtel’s. rm200 for a room with a bed, a table, a dresser and a cupboard AND inclusive of utilities is really worth it, so all’s good. it’s not in a bad location although it’s a little ulu. however there are lots of food stalls and little mamaks around. there’s also a bus stop not far away and taxis are aplenty. why la why rapidkl so cheap only compared to rapidpenang! penang is so expensive *grumble* good thing about taking taxis from there is they all use meters!

horrible blisters on my feet and being away in kl have prevented me from getting a good workout and i have been gorging myself on all that delicious malaysian food ugh. i know it’s a tourist rip off but i love beryl’s chocolate <3 and i have just restocked my supply *happy* i miss going to the gym; yesterday’s gym was my shortest session ever - 40 mins. everything hurts my head my tummy my feet.. and still not a good workout. i am such a loser. now just let me be a big loser on the scales heheh.

ok sorry my life is boring. let me share this story on a little kiss. once i babysat this little girl (let’s call her k) about 6 years of age. she was playing with her toys and didn’t really warm up to me so i just sat in another corner and sulked. see why they let kids babysit kids stupid right. no la i was feeling a little down and so i just watched her from a corner. then suddenly she came up to me and gave me a kiss on the lips. digress a bit.. i gave this little primary one kid tuition some time ago, and suddenly at the end of the first session he gave me a big hug. i dunno why kids either love or hate me but i tell you ah, they are slowly but surely making me into a paedophile (and ryan tan too!). not my fault ok! that little guy is now in the states oei kiev come back already la i even miss your crying for tiger susu biscuits i buy you 2 packets la ok end digression. ok back to the little girl’s kiss. i looked at her and went “whaa-?” but then k answered: “jie jie i give you kiss, give you strength! in the storybook also, the (male character) gave the (female character) a kiss then she got strength!!”. i was so taken aback by that action! thinking back, it was really sweet of her to do that. btw why do kids’ storybooks have kissing?? little kids should not be exposed to that. (this also makes little boys hate fairytales!) okok nobody died and made me expert on children’s storybooks. in any case…. i’m glad the kiss gave the female character strength instead of ‘the kiss of death‘ ala harry potter style. someone should sue disney for planting the ideas in little kids heads that every girl has a prince and everything ends up happily ever after.

i’ve been reading this for a while and it made me cry. go over and give her some support k.. it’s the blog of the girlfriend of one of the two NS guys who died while serving the nation. haven’t been in singapore for some time and i didn’t know of the passing of the two guys serving national service last month. i think the other guy is really pitiful, because as another blog says, it’s clear who singapore misses more. why is my country like that! i’m really ashamed to call myself singaporean. just look at the whole saga in the blogosphere now, or better yet, look at stomp.

btw, if you would like to read my protected posts from now on, just email me at christmas@zerite.net and i *might* email you the password. they’re really just rants though. this place is not like livejournal where i can just filter everyone, so people i know irl should not be too offended if i don’t give you the password.

みなさん、お店でお買い物したときに、商品を入れてもらえるショッピングバッグって捨てられる人ですか？

わたくし、どうも貧乏性なもので、スーパーマーケットのビニール袋もしっかり保存して、ゴミ袋なんかに使っております。。。

ちょっぴり高級なブランド物を購入したときにもらえる、しっかりした、おしゃれなデザイン紙袋なんかもらった日にゃぁ。

もったいなくて、再利用することもなく、きれいに保存してしまいます。。

っちゅうわけで、本日は面白いデザイン・ショッピングバッグを集めてみました。。

1. 引っ張られて痛そう。。

絞りの部分を引っ張ると痛々しくなりますね。。。

2. せくすぃ～

もっと大きめでもいいですよぉ～。

3. ブラ？バッグ？

もう、この際どっちでもいいです。。。

4. おててつないで～

もうすぐ、母の日ですね。。。

5. ダンベル

中身、何も入ってなくっても重そう。。。

6. ピストル

警察に捕まるかも。。。

7. 首吊り

○○団体みたいなところから、抗議が来そうなデザイン。。でも個人的には好き。

8. ネックレス

飾っておくには、とてもキレイ。

9. なわとび

いいアイデアですね。。持ってても、置いててもどちらでもOK

10. 食われる

なんだか、生々しい。。。

世の中には面白いデザインのショッピングバッグがあるものですね。。。

today i saw an old woman. i don’t know why my eyes fixed onto her, for she was so ordinary, so common, blending into the crowd on the mrt. then i saw this old photo she had in her transparent card case of sorts. it was sepia, and featured a young woman probably in her late teens or early twenties. everyone has their story, and it’s just so fascinating to know that everyone has their own secrets and heartaches, as well as their joys and happiness. everyone has their own unique purpose for living. you look at the girl tearing in the corner, and you know she has a story. you look at the guy smiling to himself and you know he has a story as well. be it the elderly woman who clings on to her old young photo or the young couple tangled up in each other opposite you, everyone has their story. i don’t know why people complain that autobiographies are boring, when you can learn the gist they learnt in their lifetime in a book. actually i don’t know how people can condense their life stories into chapters with one-word titles when all the beauty is in the details. all the little bits and pieces account for life, and although life so far hasn’t gone as smoothly as i hoped it would have, all remain precious to me and i wouldn’t have it any other way.

i’m letting go. the moment i clicked send on that email, i felt a wave of serenity and peace wash over me. learning to let go, learning to stop clinging on to the things that just weren’t meant to be. when you’re a toddler, you learn to give up your little blanket and your pacifier, things you’ve held so dearly to your heart. but there’s a time for everything to go, and there’re pastures we have yet to seek. only by giving up your security blanket can you venture forth into the real world and learn to be independent. you might cry and be depressed but this is all but permanent. i remember having to give up my bottle when i was a kid and crying for days. if things don’t mean much to you, it won’t hurt as much when you have to part with them. but you learn to cherish. you learn to treasure memories, and that at least you had them once. you’d lived it, tasted it, experienced it. and that’s really more than enough for me :) it’s better than hopelessly trying to make things work when everything has changed and deceive yourself into believing this is really what you want. with every sorrow comes a greater appreciation for happiness. and failures make the eventual victory sweeter.

working on myself for now. hope to change things for the better, and to put my words into action. that’s the trouble with us dreamers. plan and dream and take our own sweet time to do things. well i’m gonna be pro-active from now on, and start living life the way it should be lived.

i’ve heard so much about her, known so much about her, yet i don’t really know her. and today, i got to hear her side of things. and i was floored. it’s so easy to judge people, from what someone else says, from people’s opinions of her, from the way she does things. but no matter how much you know about someone, you can never truly know him or her just through hearsay. it’s not just a single her, but so many hers, and so many hims as well. girlfriends complain about their jerks of a boyfriend, or guyfriends are frustrated because they can’t seem to figure out why girls are so demanding. you tend to side with your friend, and form your own baseless convictions about a person. today i finally understood another piece of the puzzle. she’s like water, crystal clear, strong in her own way yet so fragile that the slightest movement can upset the serenity. and oh so beautiful. but what strikes me the most is her herself.

women. how many times have you read reports on abused wives silently suffering for twelve or so years while muttering ’stupid woman’ under your breath? how can there be such silly women who don’t know how to stand up for their rights, you wonder. but looking at it from another angle, there’re some traits that i can’t help but to admire. their love, no matter how badly their SO had treated (or even are treating) them, never falters, and they continue to be there for them. remember the song “as long as he needs me” by nancy from oliver? i can never be one of those long-suffering women who willingly allow their SO to manhandle them. sacrificing everything, including every shred of pride or dignity, for a man, is not exactly smart, but their love and giving is very much admired by yours truly. it’s a love that’s pure, simple and yet stronger than diamonds. for someone to take such physical or emotional abuse, there simply has to be single-minded, concentrated love. i remember those ads saying how a ring covered up rape, and i also remember thinking how scary it is. in older days, if you were married to a man and yet didn’t have sex with him, others would mock you or maybe even haul you off to the magistrate/court for not fulfilling the duties of a wife. it’s like you belonged to the man, and you have no rights of your own anymore. but snap back to today, and in a civilised society like singapore’s, it’s still shameful to be divorced, or even press charges against your spouse. you’re subject to the pointings and glancing away of others, as well as the lashings of cowards who hide behind computer screens, and who can honestly say that these don’t hurt. it’s scary that in a not-exactly-long-ago past, wives were still expected to be like this. maybe we’ve become too modern, too obsessed with self-worth and equality that we don’t allow ourselves to love til such standards. lots of people would want to make their SO happy as possible. being the wife in the guide doesn’t surprise me, but unsurprisingly it piqued the attention of many feminists and modern women. fathers and mothers have given so much to their children in the name of love, so why let modern rules stop you from loving your spouse wholeheartedly? thinking that loving too much will result in bigger heartbreaks later on is just akin to the pre-emptive strikes by the USA (i am very tempted to write in the past but unfortunately that is not true).

back to her. if i were an alpha male (and everyone knows every man has a bit of alpha male in them), she would make the perfect wife. she’d do the cooking and cleaning and cater to my every whim and fancy. of course, she would be unwaveringly loyal and devoted, and i would be the luckiest man alive, because it would seem that her very purpose for existing is for me. omg. i wouldn’t look for a girl like that, but to have one like that as a wife would be a bonus, no? why would anyone give up such a dedicated girlfriend is beyond my comprehension.

i am channelling whatever unhappiness i have into motivation! no more emoness for me, even if it does allows me to think deeper. i cannot allow myself to sink further into depression. come to think of it, those abused wives would probably also suffer from pent-up depression. hmm. so would people with high EQ. hope i can reach this month’s goal :D

p.s. blogging is indeed therapeutic. will try to blog regularly in future ^^

edit: I just read one of my (somewhat related) blog posts when I was fourteen. Haha it’s really interesting to see how my opinions have changed. /end edit

I never want to forget those raw emotions that made me so resolute on certain things, those intense feelings that motivated or even inspired me. But as I return to my old livejournals and read some entries, I find myself asking who that girl is. Was I ever that funny or angsty or sad or happy? I don’t seem to remember much of that girl. She’s like a fleeting shadow that I once fell in love with, but has since retired to the old quarters of my memory that I hardly polish. That intensity of love still manages to eke out a tinge of pain, but that’s all that evicts. That’s all that it provokes. A song from one of my favourite musicals reminded me of this familiar instant - The Confrontation from Miss Saigon. This American soldier loved this Vietnamese girl with all his heart, and even married her and gave her a child. But after he returned to the US, he cleanly forgot about her and started a new life with another woman. The audience would scream of an unfaithful, irresponsible man, but it is not uncommon. It is not unthinkable, and it is definitely not inexplicable. How many people out there are faultless? How many people have never made a mistake in their lives? How many people have just truly loved one person in their lives? Perhaps such people exist, but people who don’t dare to love, haven’t truly lived. Unfortunately, I think I am becoming such a person.

Have I truly become someone who’s willing to live a simple life, content to stand by the sidelines and blend in with the crowd? Really, what is the merit of being different? An ordinary life, with a husband and lovely children, with a good job, with a good education - what’s not to like? Yet why do I hanker for something else? Why do I yearn for something more, something out of the ordinary? These are not words of a cheating wife, or the thoughts of an old man willing to shell out diamonds for that young foxy lady hanging off his arm. I used to wonder how people can be happy with their 8-5 jobs and their mundane lifestyles. Now it seems that there is nothing wrong with being content with their lot. Soon, I am going to bid teenhood goodbye, and take on life as an adult. Have I been adulterated (pun not intended) by life and its way of life (pun not intended either)? I used to like Michael Learns To Rock and wonder what’s it like to live those experiences of love that they croon in their songs. But now that I’m older and had tastes of what love’s like, those love songs lose their meaning. Love definitely isn’t unique, so why is everyone pursuing it? Why does everyone pursue things that are a dime a dozen? A high-paying job, a loving wife, obedient children who grow up to become doctors, lawyers and engineers…

One dream dies, and one dream starts. Have I lost myself in the process? Perhaps life sets out to put you right, and those that do not conform just lie as outcasts and sing their own happy song. To each his own? I no longer want to be in the thick of things - I know I bruise easily, and will be chucked out like a bad apple in an instant. I would rather watch from the sidelines, watching each move intently like spectators at a football match, cheering whenever a goal is scored, and dissing when a foul committed, even shouting “referee kayu” with fellow supporters. Or like the audience at a musical, wide-eyed and thoroughly taken by the protagonist. Is it wrong to be angry with the other team for winning? Is it wrong to feel too much for the main female lead, and neglect all the others? To be opinionated is one thing, and to be biased is another. Appeal to Emotion, a logical fallacy, as Philosophy calls it.

Okay I have to stop abruptly because there are too many distractions in multiple digressions. I’d make a brilliant lecturer ;)

Perhaps I was really born to disappoint.