sorry i haven’t been updating much. there’s been so much i want to say, but every time i open this thing i don’t know the best way to put it, and as my old english teacher mr N would say - i’m a perfectionist when it comes to words. i like to think of myself as a literary acupuncturist :) which is… really an excuse for not blogging. heh. oh no why did i say it out loud?!

anyway. there are a lot of things that i can’t really say, sadly, in fear that the repercussions might be overwhelming.

i’m going back to singapore tomorrow. i wish someone would tell me what to do. i’m sick of being the one people come to for advice, and have no one to advise me on things because no one can empathise. i wish people would understand. in times like this i really wish my parents would not be so deadset on one option and close their minds to others. how am i supposed to discuss things with them like that? and i desperately need them to understand. my sis is going to osaka next month for half a year, and home will be scary again, just like it has been when she was away in hiroshima earlier. i was at home in july because she was away, but in half a month she will be gone, and i think i will be here in malaysia again soon after. i really don’t know how us humans can love and dislike some people so strongly at the same time. i wish it was as easy as pack my bags and leave. i don’t know what will happen at home, what will happen to me, what will happen at all. i just hope things go smoothly as planned.

god, i really need you now. please, i need help. i hate it when people say “oh she’s smart, she’ll figure things out” and forget that i’m not even out of my teens. i’m just a kid who’s gone off track and needs to get back on. i don’t need these unnecessary complications in my already exceedingly complicated life.

it’s so frustrating that i can’t even say what i want to say properly in my own bloody blog ARGH. people, to read my password-protected posts, EMAIL me.