these few days i cried a lot. when i finally thought i had decided what route i should take, it seems that someone had already decided for me, that it was not to be. don’t count your chickens before they hatch, but who says that ducks aren’t just as good, if not better than chickens? so i picked the ducks instead. i’m still lucky to be able to have ducklings even though my first choice were chicks. but after tonight i realise my first choice should have been ducklings right from the start. why would anyone think the ‘ugly’ duckling is ugly? i think it’s special.

when i was young(er - haha), i’d watch those 7pm dramas while having dinner, (my mom would always scold me because my rice would all be cold by the time 8pm rolls around.) and i thought how awful it was for a woman to give birth to a disabled (mentally or physically) kid. i know dear mrs kan would shake her head sadly and say a silent prayer for the mother and her kid, haha (mrs kan, i miss u!). as i grew older, and been to hospital and homes to do volunteer work, i think these people are really special. some time ago, i went to a friend’s family and saw a very special girl. she was very pretty, and you know she wasn’t like normal folks, but she was very endearing. it made you notice her, a little girl that you normally wouldn’t give a second glance to. it was as if she was attracting you to love her more. she would cry easily, and it really hurt to see her in pain. i wondered if i would be lucky enough to love someone in special need like her one day. always thought that having a special needs kid teaches you more about love than having a normal kid does. if i were to have a special needs kid one day, i’d thank god for choosing me to love and have such a special child. if i have the means to, i’d definitely adopt. not an exotic child for an international family unlike ms UN ambassador a.k.a. show-off, but a precious, special child.

i remember when i was in secondary school, i used to wheel these old folks to a nearby shopping centre as a form of community service. i think that was the first time i felt inadequate because of the language barrier. i was unable to understand what they wanted, and i was unable to communicate what i wanted to say. i really wished i could speak or understand hokkien so i could know what they wanted (btw damn funny ok one of my friends had this auntie who wanted her to help buy a pack of cigarettes so cute right). i’d always been able to convey what i wanted to say, and sometimes i’ll mull over it (thus really earning me the reputation of a perfectionist when it comes to words - actually i think i should be called anal. see?! i do it unconsciously). i wonder how it would have been if i were able to actually communicate beyond have you eaten? yes i have with my late grandmother. i’ve always envied my sister for having a close relationship with my paternal grandmother. i wished i had such a relationship with someone in my family. i once cried because i thought i was hypocritical. why do i have so much love for other people yet cannot bear to love my family in the same way? but i guess people are hypocritical. haha okay see i got new resolution for next year now :)

[retail therapy] thanks to my dad, i got a HDD today (together with a lot of things), and i cleaned out my lappie of all pictures, chatlogs, videos, movie files etc. the only thing left is music, and i don’t know how i’m going to move that because of itunes. need to read up. photoshop has suddenly decided it can deal with my laptop so yay :D and omg EEEPC. which means webcam! and VGA cable to let my mom watch all the hk dramas she wants on the TV. [/end retail therapy]

it feels so nice to listen to the thunder roar outside while you snuggle under the cosy covers of your thick blanket. and you realise you’re no longer the child who loves to sit near the balcony whenever there’s a storm but yet need your mommy to cover your ears and assure you that the thunder’s not scary.

(because thunder’s not as scary as lightning.)