things are getting out of control. this blog will stay, everything else goes. won’t be blogging for a while though.

god help me.

i told myself i couldn’t have such hatred, but perhaps the only way to really get over someone is to hate that person. it’s okay. once i get over him i’ll forget him and i’ll lose the hatred too. no i’m not bitter. it’s just like being annoyed and angry and then being a bitch and scolding someone, my forte. after that you don’t remember it anymore, because it’s not even worth the 2mb in your brain.

from breaking hearts to two-timing to toying with feelings - what is he not capable of? he is not the least bothered about hurting others. why did i get so sad over this kind of man??? pffft. not worth my time or tears or heart. guys are adept at being jerksfuckers, and you can never believe what a man tells you, not one word. some things he repeated all the time, and thankfully i heard but i didn’t listen. but i’m not mad because he doesn’t want me. it’s the way he handled things after that.

this is what you wanted, isn’t it? for me to hate you. now your wish is granted, so go sleep in peace. you obviously don’t care about how others feel. and today you confirmed what i’ve always suspected. but no worries, i can play this game too. i must have been crazy to imagine being with you in the long run. look at how you handle things. close your eyes, pretend it’s not there, hide under mommy’s skirt eh? this kind of guy cannot handle any sort of responsibility, because all he’ll do is shirk it and then swept the mess under the carpet.

i know you don’t love me because someone who loves me would never want me in this state. in this fucked up state i’ve been for the past 2.5 weeks. and no, not one are you ok? or i’m sorry to hurt you like this but instead, he’s the one getting angry and then ignoring me altogether. he doesn’t give a flying fuck to any consequences, now or then. it doesn’t concern him anymore and thus it’s none of his business, selfish bastard. he can be hypocritical and delete my little harmless facebook comment that was made in good humour, ignore me for 2 weeks now, and yet pretends he still cares. hahahaha don’t make my toes laugh.

yes it’s a painful lesson and also a long, costly mistake. haha cynical me actually taking that leap of faith, and then ending up with another battlewound. how not to be jaded, you tell me? do you remember july where you supposedly were making the right choices for me? what gives you the right to know what’s best for me? you make the right choice for yourself. i made that mistake so many times, thinking it’s the best for you. how did you feel? whatever it is, it doesn’t matter anymore. as long as you’re happy this way, i’ll accept it.

—————-

all that was written last night. i didn’t want to post this at first, but why should i self-censor on my blog? now i’m feeling quite blasé. maybe everything was just a cruel joke. maybe his sis told him to ignore me or he never did love me right from the beginning. maybe he’s got another girl in his arms and is laughing at me right now. maybe his objective is to make me hate him. no matter the reason, bottom line is, he wants nothing to do with me anymore. so all i can do now is respect that :)

i know it’s gonna take time, but it’s stupid not moving on when he already has. i don’t think he’s ever loved me, if his actions are anything to go by. from april all the way to june, then july, then october. yes it’s my fault for being indecisive and mean, but he’s also to blame for being the spineless guy who doesn’t know what he wants. not like he treated me very well either. i believe that he never did love me to begin with, and i was just being an idiot. but mpr, it’s over, damage done, just do damage control now. not too late; never too late.

molly cheers me up :) princess and the queen! (from facebook)

i love the drum drum molly. she looks like a teardrop fifa with her reddened cheeks and pouted lips! so adorable~ and yea, i kinda feel you right now =’)

this is the classic molly the painter! hauntingly beautiful, no? i think she’s akin to a clown. clowns are meant to be funny, but the result? some find them scary, some love the harlequin. for me it’s a mixture of both, and that is definitely intriguing. it reminds me of plath and her bees. morbid fascination.

listening to penny tai and aiza segurra on my ipod also makes me feel at peace. and maybe i feel a little weak due to my giddiness, but i’ve never been frail. i’ve always been radiant, healthy, sunkissed. and i know this is not going to last. no more crying until i feel like i have epilepsy. no need for referrals to neurologists. inner strength, inner peace, god’s love, fantastic friends, more than sufficient. oh, and a little chocolate won’t do any harm :)

yes, when i think of him my heart hurts. i can’t seem to bring myself to hate him. all i’m left with is an overwhelming sense of sadness and disappointment. perhaps it was inevitable; something had to be done, and he decided to be the baddie. i understand that. but he had gone ahead and decided to give up completely. when did our love become not worth it anymore? i thought i meant more to you. so yes, if he can be so heartless, i’d rather believe he didn’t love me in the first place.

to be fair, i know why his reasons for not wanting me. sick of the want-don’t-want, the vacillations. what i don’t know, is his reason for ignoring me. maybe to make me give up. s, you still don’t understand me huh. remember there was once i ignored you for three days and you were dying already? what makes you think i am any different? but you can be so much meaner than i am. girls are so stupid. nice girls are always doormats. and then guys just treat them like, well, doormats. i find myself smiling as i type all these. which is weird =.= but it’s good. simply smiles. my tears might flow but i am still smiling. because i know, and i understand. when one party decides he/she wants out, the other one can really do nothing but wish him/her all the best :)

plato thinks that people want to get out of the cave, but a lot of people would rather not expose themselves to the world outside, like how people refuse to fall in love, in fear of having their heart trampled upon. and yet others are thankful for their experiences. it’s a kind of bittersweet feeling, when you are both grateful that god arranged for you to fall so deeply in love with someone, yet you know you can never go back to the time of being an ingenue with wide-eyed wonder, curious about the world and your untainted head filled with youthful idealism, thinking that everyone is good by nature. indeed, the harder you fall, the more difficult it is to climb out of the hole. but greater challenges, as everyone knows, make you a much hardier person. tougher, stronger, wiser. but it also makes you never want to fall into a hole again.

like the pun here. from wikipedia:

In Greek mythology, Sisyphus, was a king punished in Tartarus by being cursed to roll a huge boulder up a hill, only to watch it roll down again, and to repeat this throughout eternity.

Today, Sisyphean can be used as an adjective meaning that an activity is unending and/or repetitive. It could also be used to refer to tasks that are pointless and unrewarding.

i leave you with this:

again, from pearls before swine.

it’s been 2.5 weeks, and clearly only one party is suffering. he certainly doesn’t care. and no, no more self-pity, no more ‘what if’s, and no more doing stupid things to numb the pain. he doesn’t love me, he never did love me, and he never will. i will get over you, no doubt about it. not worth it doing this for a mere male. thank you for everything la, no more hard feelings. just hope you’re happy with this la.

i miss everyone. where are you all :( i have lost all contacts due to demise of both phones (don’t bother contacting msian number)! me so lonely. but thank you bb inti hollie jy ddt tocktopher my siao ding dong monkey maine (only person who can make me laugh like siao at 5am wtf) and all my plurk friends especially richkid swei & kittyrat aka mr-soon-to-be-dr cheong hei <3 and omg quote of the day: “like all women, i have my ideal of manhood.” lol sonya you very explicit ahahahah. ok she didn’t know the duality when she posted it, but hahaha makes it even funnier!

i’m so free in december all my plans have vanished. some things cannot be helped lah but still very sad (hm hope your mom gets better <3). ok la got at least 10-15 friends to meet but still! like that only 10 days. what about the remaining 20 days! i promise i won’t be emo or overly bitchy ok :( why unhappy face eyes so small 8( ahh much better. like the shrek puss in boots hehe.

ok sushi just came online and told me to go sleep T.T thanks ah. haih why i so desperate. sushi take good care of yourself ok!! you still have to take me to eat tau nga gai one!!! december’s gonna be a long month. why do i always have sad/lonely christmases? so depressing maybe i should change my nick :( well my last two xmases were on planes, so at least this one i can dunno, sleep at home or sth. i still wanna go japan 8( i miss snow.

and i’m obsessed with molly. it’s like a morbid fascination. she looks so cute but yet so scary. just cannot seem to get enough of it. and tofu also!! tofu molly XD waiting for the tofu molly son now. i want smery to-fuuuu! see why i don’t blog much anymore because i’m awfully boring. yawn.

i can’t wait for friday! new things and avenue q~ let’s go stuff ourselves silly with halloween candy hehs.

43 lessons that MUST be learned in relationships
1. IF A MAN WANTS YOU, NOTHING CAN KEEP HIM AWAY. IF HE DOESN’T WANT YOU, NOTHING CAN MAKE HIM STAY.
2. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
3. If you have ANY doubt in your mind about a man’s character, leave him alone.
4. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
5. STOP TRYING TO CHANGE YOURSELF FOR A RELATIONSHIP THAT’S NOT MEANT TO BE.
6. Don’t force an attraction.
7. SLOWER IS BETTER.
8. NEVER LIVE YOUR LIFE FOR A MAN BEFORE YOU FIND WHAT MAKES YOU TRULY HAPPY.
9. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no you can’t “be friends.” A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend.
10. Don’t settle.
11. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
12. If he keeps changing his mind about the relationship–take that as a BIG sign that he is unstable. Do you really want to be with a man like that?
13. Don’t stay because you think, “it will get better.” You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
14. Honorable men take care of their business and aren’t involved in a whole lot of mess.
15. The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
16. THERE’S ONLY ONE ‘REASON’ A MAN DUMPS YOU; HE DOESN’T WANT YOU.
17. Avoid men who’ve got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
18. You really do have to kiss a few frogs before finding the prince.
19. Always put yourself and your happiness first.
20. Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
21. MAINTAIN BOUNDARIES IN HOW A GUY TREATS YOU. IF SOMETHING BOTHERS YOU, SPEAK UP.
22. Like from the show Sex and the City, if he doesn’t call, he just isn’t that interested.
23. Be honest and upfront.
24. Know when to cut the cord; don’t be strung along.
25. Don’t fall for the “I’m confused role”. Remove yourself from the situation
to let him figure things out (but don’t wait for him, move on).
26. if you want to have a clue as to how he will treat you, watch how he treats the WOMEN in his family (not just mom).
27. there’s more than physical abuse, there’s emotional and mental abuse. If he causes any of them…flee.
28. You cannot change a man’s behaviors. Change comes from within.
29. Don’t let him place rules on you that he is not willing to follow himself — double-standard.
30. Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are…even if he has
more education or in a better job.
31. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
32. Demand respect and if he can’t give it, he can’t have you!
33. Don’t compete with other woman, but be aware that men are attracted to what they see.
34. If you think he is cheating, he probably is. Confront him right away and if you feel he’s lying, let him go.
35. Actions speak louder than words.
36. Never let a man define who you are.
37. Never rely on a man for compliments, look to yourself for that.
38. Never borrow someone else’s man.
39. If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you.
40. JUST BECAUSE HE SAYS HE LOVES YOU, DOESN’T MEAN THAT HE WON’T HURT YOU AND IT DOESN’T MEAN THAT YOU ARE MEANT TO BE WITH HIM.
41. To use painful hard-won wisdom — ‘get it right’ the next time.
42. Know that you deserve to be the number one person in the life of the #1 person in your life.
43. Love is a verb…

I’m copying snippets from the blog I used when I closed this one, and also bits from plurk/msn. Just for a resolution.

I simply do not understand the rationale of breaking up with someone but claiming to want to be with them later. Wtf? Toy ah, battery-operated, want to switch on then switch on, switch off then switch off ah? Don’t you think it’s bloody selfish? Yes as CM said, maybe it’s a meaningless struggle that might reach an irreparable state, but isn’t this an irreparable state huh? If you love someone, how can you bear to break her heart so devastatingly, how can you know that she is crying over you every single day and yet still have the heart to cut her away from your life? I know it’s not easy for you too, so why do you have to do this? I know your love for me, and I know you still love me deeply. So why torment both of us this way? And you’ve already started ignoring me! That’s your resolution to things, ain’t it. Run away, avoid! Hide under the covers and pretend things don’t exist! Fantastic. Do you seriously think that after how you hurt me, how cruel you’ve been, I’ll still want to be with you? I’m not like you, my love is not a switch that can be readily turned off and on. But I’m getting there.

I was okay, because I thought we still had December to sort things out, as our main problem was LDR. But you cancelled it. You cancelled PD, Langkawi, Genting, everything. You’re not even bloody coming back now. You did the same thing in July, then you said it was the thing you regretted the most in your life, and now you’re back to doing the exact same thing. How can people trust you? If you don’t want LDR as you claimed, then why cancel December?? You have no idea what you want. You can vacillate between her and me, want and don’t want. You have no clue what you want.

I thought perhaps I was important to you, but looks like I was wrong. I didn’t know what you were thinking in july, and I don’t know what you’re thinking now. I don’t seem important enough for you to share your thoughts with me. You’d rather hurt me time and again than make me understand why you do certain things. You always think you know what’s best for me huh? Who the fuck are you again? You’re not me, how would you know what’s best for me? You just invariably hurt me more. When i needed love, all you could do was yell at me. I don’t need a friend like you who thinks he knows everything. I don’t need you in my life. You claim to love me, but dude, actions speak louder than words. And all your actions say that you don’t give a damn about me.

I’m just disappointed that after we all that we went through, you suddenly decide we’re not worth it anymore, that our love isn’t worth it anymore. Just two more months, and now you give up.

Oh yes, I do love myself. I have such a strong pride, even L knew it since a long time ago. How long have i known you? And you actually say that i don’t love myself. You really don’t know me. It is this exact same pride that is not allowing me to get back with you, be it now, December, or beyond. July, you made mistakes. It’s okay, it was the first time, I can put up with it. But again and again. And now, after you cancelled December. This is the last straw. I won’t let you hurt me again. I have to protect myself first. You’re more than fine with it anyway.

So from your actions, I am forced to believe you never did love me at all. I am taking this to be a non-relationship, i.e. no, I never was in a relationship with you. You’re not the only one who can trivalise this, and I’m all for it. We can just pretend it never happened.

I’m okay now because of love from others. I don’t need you and your love, because I know there are still others who care for me. But it is inevitably sad, as if a loved one died. It hurts to have someone so close to your heart cut away, and I believe in grieving, but what’s more important is learning that your heart can beat on its own . If you truly love yourself, you’ll be happy regardless of whether you’re one or two. I’m happy that it happened, and I don’t regret it at all. I’m already thankful that I had a chance to love someone. Not asking for anything more. So go on ignoring me, I don’t give a shit anymore.

I’m not bitter, not anymore. It’s just kinda like it never happened, and I have awakened from my reverie.

I am grinning like a fool.

I don’t know why, but I am much happier than I have been for the past two weeks. Yes I know I’m typing in propers caps again. Haiya I’m erratic can! Don’t kacau. I’m over him lah don’t worry!

Gymming is so therapeutic.

I am happy, because if you don’t think, happiness is a state of mind. I was much happier in Canada than I remembered. Amidst all the problems with admin, I think I was indeed happy. Be it sitting in Lucky’s internet cafe (lol) stealing her abundant snacks or cycling to the gym and Tim Hortons or watching Juan play with sparklers to impress a girl or girls’ floor party… these are all things that I don’t think I’ll forget anytime soon. I don’t know, should I go back to visit my dearest Hollie and Julie? I need to go travelling soon lah. Am going out of my mind.

Oh yah, comments are closed (starting from the last entry) until further notice. Why ah, because I think they’re all going to be nonsensical posts like this one!

Hehehehehehehehehehehhh. Yah this girl crazy one. Just ignore. Hehehehehehehehe.

edit: bye bloggie don’t miss me. i will tweak you again after november. but i will still blog when i need you. yes i’m a fairweather friend. but you know you love me right! heheh i love you too ok i go byebye. say byebye to these silly silent readers also! bloggie: byebye!! me: byebye!! /edit

i’m not going to pretend that it’s all okay.

it’s gonna take as long as it’s gonna take. sure it feels horrible, but there’s nothing i can do. after all we’ve been through, there’s really nothing left to say. i did try my best and there was a week when the 2-day curse didn’t exist. yet at the end of that week he chose to pull out of my life, and i have learned to accept it. i did my best and i have no regrets. this is his choice. yes i will respect it but it doesn’t mean that i am okay with it.

i for one should be familiar with the transience in life. the only constant is change. it’s just a little scary how ‘love’ can snuff out just like that. ah, c’est la vie. and you realise you never really knew the people you thought you did.

you learn to be stronger, then you find yourself being broken down, then you learn to be stronger again. but in actuality, you never learn. you keep getting sucked into this whirlpool, willingly. not the first time, never the last.

the trouble with love is.

but no matter what i do, i’ll simply smile. i am not you - i will not hide behind a smile, not anymore. that was so 2000. i will just smile when i mean it. i have no need to hide anything.

the thing about family is they never, ever stop loving you. they’re always there for you to fall back on. no matter how estranged you might be. no matter how many times you’ve screwed up.

guys are just jerks lah.

love is not about it being worth it or not. humans always think of whether something is worth my time/effort, what’s the opportunity cost, what’s in it for me, he doesn’t deserve you, you don’t deserve her… i say screw it. why must there be something “in it for me”? do mums say, if i buy my 3-year-old kid an ice-cream, maybe he won’t put me in a home for the aged 30 years later? does God say, if i bless this woman, will i get an extra $50 in tithes or she’ll do a good deed for someone else? LOVE DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY. it’s probably the only thing that can make humans this stupid, but it’s also the only thing that make humans human. it’s not about what you get back, at least not tangibly.

in canada, we went to a home to sing christmas carols. sure, i’ve had praises on my singing before, and yes i appreciate them,  but when it comes from an elderly woman in a wheelchair with tears in her eyes, struggling to get the words out, you can hardly take it lightly.

angela was so worked up after chatting with a guy staying at the home. she was on the verge of tears, probably due to her korean background. “these people actually have children; their children just don’t want them!” and “in korea they would never send their parents to a home!” this was very unstandable - visiting such places does make you realise a lot. but it wasn’t the first time for me, and perhaps my heart has been hardened, but i told her “if the children are busy, or don’t have the means to take care of their parents, then perhaps putting them under professional care will be the best, especially under pallative conditions.” but nobody would like to go to a home. no senior would like to live with other old people; in singapore the elderly mostly like to see the children and the youth, even in their neighbourhood. the government here has built these homes near schools so that schoolgoing children can do their mandatory community service there, but children often dislike seniors. myself, i can hardly claim to be detached from these people.

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hihi i just changed the fonts! will be tweaking more tomorrow. i like this theme but it doesn’t support widgets or any other plugins ugh. i think the categories part on the sidebar takes up damn a lot of space >( omg i bought these jetlag pills and i actually feel sleepy yay okay uh yes i will be updating the about me page, to not sound so pretentious (wtf that was written like 2 years ago) as well as the about the site page, and i will be thinking about whether to link anyone at all (yes i’m antisocial har-dee-har). i might just link random people. misc page to store all random pages is up, not that i have many pages… my quotes pages are very backward, and i might have a french quote page up soon. i’m still not satisfied with my sidebar, and i think i really have to do some self-promotion after my exams. i kinda lost a lot of readership due to the recent closure, bollocks. anyway i will have more time for this blog in december since japan/malaysia/australia/cambodia trips are ALL off (heart damn pain) and i think i have no plans for december anymore wtf probably just sleep at home everyday sigh. see la i knew december was too good to be true *mutters*

will blog tomorrow lah! stupid medicine so effective >:(

edit: i’m sorry if you hate music on blogs, i love ‘em! i think it’s a great way to listen to new music. i love how my layout looks now! the favicon thingy doesn’t work bleurgh, will fix that some other time. i love personalising my site :D

diffident i will no longer be.

i remember m telling me about how l (the letter ‘l’, not I) begged her to let him go back to her. and she hated it. why should a guy beg? being the naturally antagonistic person i disagreed with her, and i said why is it a shame to want to pursue one’s own happiness, and why is it a shame to try one’s best to be with the person one loves? she didn’t reply me for a while, and then she changed subjects. i knew she agreed with me, but pride didn’t permit her to admit that.

fuck pride.

earlier tonight i sent someone an email that revealed a lot. as expected, he scoffed at me. but it’s okay. as long as i get what i want, why am i afraid of people laughing at me? they can talk/insult/laugh all they want, but they don’t know the complete picture, and they don’t want to know the complete picture. all they want is to sit in their comfort zone and bitch about every little thing. my email exposed a lot of the vulnerability i have kept hidden for months now. and i wasn’t afraid anymore to showcase these raw emotions. i am not afraid of letting the ones i love know how much i love them, and how much i need them. it is not subservient, it is not submissive, and it is definitely not stupid. it is simply heartfelt. if one who writes is afraid of exposing one’s feelings, then please take your pen and give it to someone who actually deserves to write. why, are you too chicken to identify and deal with your own feelings and emotions?

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