diffident i will no longer be.

i remember m telling me about how l (the letter ‘l’, not I) begged her to let him go back to her. and she hated it. why should a guy beg? being the naturally antagonistic person i disagreed with her, and i said why is it a shame to want to pursue one’s own happiness, and why is it a shame to try one’s best to be with the person one loves? she didn’t reply me for a while, and then she changed subjects. i knew she agreed with me, but pride didn’t permit her to admit that.

fuck pride.

earlier tonight i sent someone an email that revealed a lot. as expected, he scoffed at me. but it’s okay. as long as i get what i want, why am i afraid of people laughing at me? they can talk/insult/laugh all they want, but they don’t know the complete picture, and they don’t want to know the complete picture. all they want is to sit in their comfort zone and bitch about every little thing. my email exposed a lot of the vulnerability i have kept hidden for months now. and i wasn’t afraid anymore to showcase these raw emotions. i am not afraid of letting the ones i love know how much i love them, and how much i need them. it is not subservient, it is not submissive, and it is definitely not stupid. it is simply heartfelt. if one who writes is afraid of exposing one’s feelings, then please take your pen and give it to someone who actually deserves to write. why, are you too chicken to identify and deal with your own feelings and emotions?

i have many ‘friends’, but people that i can truly confide in,  too few and too far away. expressing any form of sadness to friends is tricky, because i don’t think any of them deserve to be tortured. but only the ones that stick by you, even if she shouts at you all the time for being stupid or can only give you a hug when you need it, nothing more, are really the ones you need to appreciate just a tad more.

my friend ga is a very open person; she tells you everything and anything you need or do not need to know. she knows it’s why people like her, but also understands that it’s a big weakness that people can attack.

but you don’t know how strong i am. how strong i can be.

so bring it on.

the reason why i closed this blog for a while was because i let them get to me. it’s not just any tomdickharry on the street, but someone who actually means quite a lot to me. i was badly affected and was reeling in shock for several days. i never thought someone who never seemed to bother could go behind your back and bitch about you. and this person never clarified anything with me, never asked me my rationales, never wanted to know why i did this. i have lost all respect for this hypocrite, who still put up a smiley face in front of me. if you hate my guts, don’t act civil with me. i am better off without you.

it took me a few days, to get over a hypocrite’s actions. but i emerged from the ashes untainted. reborn, renewed, rejuvenated. hardier and more resilient. and zerite.net’s back with a new template. (which i am going to tweak, shaddup.)

as for s, maybe after the storm has truly died down will i talk about him. i love you, and nothing you do or say can make me change my mind. just like god’s love. unwavering, unflinching, indestructable. like a diamond. like your love for me.

you can hurt me and throw me to the ground but all i’ll do is bounce back. the harder you hit me the higher the chance of me rebounding and hitting you harder right in your kisser. and after i’ve gained momentum, i’ll be bouncing higher than you ever have. because i have potential (energy). wtf okay bad pun = time for me to stop.

i’m back.

[edit] wow, just after i posted that entry this morning… things went downhill again lol. really downhill =\ “my answer is no” - this phrase keeps repeating in my head. thank you s, for that slap in the face. we really don’t understand each other.

but then thank god for good friends. i really don’t treasure things, do i? but jtp said as long as i don’t do it again. i will try to treasure and appreciate. and not bite off too much than i can chew. maybe i don’t have much time left, but i will make good use of it. no one likes to see a sad face. i felt like a party pooper just now :(

h, i miss you so much. thank you so much for giving me love when i felt so unloved. i promise we’ll see each other again one day. i wish i could spend my birthday with you. i love you my best friend <3 great that you know you really wanna dance now. i loved watching you dance.

i need to work on myself, and i promise this time it will be for me. thank you jtp and jy *hugs* and of course, thank you cookie monster. we will +u together ok!! :)