love is not about it being worth it or not. humans always think of whether something is worth my time/effort, what’s the opportunity cost, what’s in it for me, he doesn’t deserve you, you don’t deserve her… i say screw it. why must there be something “in it for me”? do mums say, if i buy my 3-year-old kid an ice-cream, maybe he won’t put me in a home for the aged 30 years later? does God say, if i bless this woman, will i get an extra $50 in tithes or she’ll do a good deed for someone else? LOVE DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY. it’s probably the only thing that can make humans this stupid, but it’s also the only thing that make humans human. it’s not about what you get back, at least not tangibly.

in canada, we went to a home to sing christmas carols. sure, i’ve had praises on my singing before, and yes i appreciate them,  but when it comes from an elderly woman in a wheelchair with tears in her eyes, struggling to get the words out, you can hardly take it lightly.

angela was so worked up after chatting with a guy staying at the home. she was on the verge of tears, probably due to her korean background. “these people actually have children; their children just don’t want them!” and “in korea they would never send their parents to a home!” this was very unstandable - visiting such places does make you realise a lot. but it wasn’t the first time for me, and perhaps my heart has been hardened, but i told her “if the children are busy, or don’t have the means to take care of their parents, then perhaps putting them under professional care will be the best, especially under pallative conditions.” but nobody would like to go to a home. no senior would like to live with other old people; in singapore the elderly mostly like to see the children and the youth, even in their neighbourhood. the government here has built these homes near schools so that schoolgoing children can do their mandatory community service there, but children often dislike seniors. myself, i can hardly claim to be detached from these people.

although i like doing volunteer work, it is not exactly a pleasant job cleaning up after a senior, or even any bedridden person. when i volunteered at the hotel-dieu grace hospital, i had to feed this old woman who was in her late eighties. she had to sip slowly, or she would choke. she didn’t talk at all, unlike the other lady in the next bed (double room) who loved company. one week yumi and i went, and the bed was empty. the other lady told us she choked in the middle of the night, was wheeled out and never came back. on two occasions i’d seen several doctors and nurses in a ward, and we’d know that someone had gone away.

i think the hardest kind of specialist is the geriatrician. someone once said that when people are old and disease-ridden, the only thing you can do is to wait for death. you wouldn’t want to be a burden to your family. i am a supporter of euthanasia, and my views on the humanity at large are not pleasant. two fellow volunteers i met in chiang rai were taken aback to hear that, but it is the truth. we need to know the world we live in, and deal with it. perhaps they have never been to singapore, but i know how cruel people can be. yes you can live in your little bubble and think no, people cannot be so inhumane, but this is life, sweetie. wake up and smell the roses, but also see the thorns surrounding them. what is the point of extending life and delaying death when you’ve lived your fill, you’ve had your lot, you’ve seen your share? what is the point of burdening your family with medical bills and surgery fees AND you’re suffering so much pain? it doesn’t make sense to me. so i admire geriatricians greatly. i wonder how they do it. i know that doctors aren’t supposed to judge, but i wonder why they chose pallative care, and i wonder how they find greater meaning in geriatrics than in other branches of healthcare and medicine.

but we all age one day. perhaps geriatricians get their reward in knowing how important their job is. how would you like to be treated when you’re old and ailing, nearing the end of your life? with the kind of respect you should be treated with, and with the best care anyone deserves. many seniors are proud and think they know all, especially compared to younger doctors. how much humility do these doctors have to possess, and how much pain do they have when they see patients go? it is something that is inevitable, and something that only the strong can withstand. old or young, a life has to be treated with respect.

i have been diagnosed with clinical depression earlier this year, and yes i have had a history of being suicidal. but i will perservere and forge on, and hopefully i will win this battle. although antidepressants give me horrible side effects. i don’t know why anyone would take depression as a joke, or take mental illnesses as illusionary, but i understand that people will have that impression. i didn’t take it seriously too, at first. i hated seeing the school counselor who’d never fail to make me cry every session. she told me to see a doctor, but i didn’t. not until she accompanied me to see that indian doctor who prescribed me some antidepressants. she even told me she was glad that i finally came to terms with my condition. even at that point i was sceptical about the whole thing. until my recent bout did i realise i really need help. i’ve been procrastinating and putting off seeing a psychiatrist here in singapore, but i think i’m going to do that right after my exams. can you imagine being in a relationship with someone who has depression?

i don’t know how he did it, but i guess that’s why he ended it. looking back i thinkhe must have had a really hard time trying to deal with me and my craziness. seriously, breaking up every other day? that’s…. not normal. and definitely not healthy. thank you for loving me and putting up with me thus far.

but it’s okay. i’m over that. the distance was killing us anyway :P

i’ve said before, and i wanna say it again. i wanna do something humanitarian for a career. in chiang rai i really didn’t want to go back. chat log from last year:

y: it’s really been a struggle for me
s: they expect a report from u?
y: no, my school does
y: and i need to organise my thoughts too
s: i thought it’s been smooth sailing?
y: really?
y: it’s more of an inner struggle
s: icic
s: oooo…
y: doing this made me realise that i really love doin it, and i would love doing it for the rest of my life
s: like clash btn evil and good?
s: coool
s: ;)
y: i’ve met so many people who just put in all their effort wholeheartedly for their beliefs
y: and it truly is humbling. passion is at play every single day, and it’s the simplicity that impresses me so much
y: i love love love how things are, and would gladly quit school just to work here
s: haha….yeh man…simple life is always d best ;)
y: you know, it just feels like i’m wasting so much time getting a degree that will probably be useless
s: yes!!!
s: just a piece of paper
y: like so many ppl get basic degrees in what, history, international relations, architecture or whatever
y: and end up doing nothing related to it
s: yupz
s: like most things i’ve learnt i dont even utilize it
y: it’s so tempting to stay here permanently
s: should do watever makes u happy
y: but it’s really learning to weigh your options and realising you can’t be selfish
s: but also take into consideration ur loved ones as well
y: i’ve to think of those who depend on me and those who love me
y: haha yeah
y: but then again
s: yeh
y: should i let selflessness get in my way?
s: haha
s: only if it doesnt hurt others around u
y: do i want to waste more time getting a paper qualification, or do i want to nosedive into the deep end of the ocean
s: it’s tempting to let ur selfishness take control, but sometimes ties with loved ones pull u back
y: and grumble later on in life about the prejudices against those without degrees
s: well…that u’ll have to decide urself i guess
y: deep down my heart is crying out loud, but my head will forever rule over my heart i guess
y: few more days, then it’s back to the grind
s: just make sure u dont feel any form of regret
y: think that’s a fair compromise
y: you too :)
s: hahaha
s: it’s good to have a balance
y: it’s like having sex
y: haha
y: ok nvm
s: 0.0
s: oh my gosh
s: another one of ur terribly random statements
s: can see no relation between wat we just chatted about and sex
s: lmao
y: i feel like a young teenager flirting with the possibility of giving up her pride of virginity – i definitely know that waiting will really result in better sex, but at the same time i am very tempted to truly experience it now. i know that i will do something humanitarian in the future, but when does the future really start? after my education ends? lots of people do shit degrees and do things completely unrelated to their degrees – but at least they did a degree you know?
s: whoa!
y: even though it’s really for nothing. thus is the fate of people in today’s society. why wait until you finish your useless degree before you start on your meaningful career? why wait until you’re old enough when you can enjoy sex now?
s: hm….this statement is bold but prone to debates
s: haha
y: it’s difficult trying to concentrate on biology when you can be out here actually doing something in this poverty-stricken society, you know?
y: ok u wanna debate it?
y: i love debates
y: what’s wrong with my analogy
s: haha…
s: many may say that if u dont want to end up in a shitty job, get a degree
s: money is a major factor in today’s society…u know.
y: this doesn’t have anything to do with my analogy, but whatever
y: money means nothing to me
s: haha…
y: i’m single, my sister can support my parents
y: and it’s not like i don’t want to work in future
s: who’s gonna support u?
y: i will
s: i see i see
s: then u’re all set
s: ;)
y: you’re not helping
s: haha…
y: but how many ppl actually get relevant degrees?
y: what is their worth, besides their name
s: not many end up doing what they’ve studied for
s: degree’s just a piece of paper
s: that everyone is so used to it, it became a requirement for businesses
y: exactly
y: there’s no real meaning for it
s: and somewhat altered people’s stereotypical views towards someone
s: just sick of it u know
y: and how many people are in debt because they had to get a degree?
s: like people approach someone asking, ‘wat degree u have in’
s: my mate happen to not have one
s: u could see the faces/smirks on those bastard’s face
y: assholes
s: i mean….purpose of going to uni is to gain knowledge and skill in the field u’re interested in
s: degree…it’s just a piece of crappy paper with ur name on it
y: i think for areas like humanitarian work
y: hands-on experience > classroom knowledge
s: so wat if u dont finish ur degree and get that paper…u still have the same knowledge and skills as others
y: oei
y: you not supposed to agree with me
s: yeh…really depends on which field u’re branching onto
s: oh ya…
y: you’re supposed to debate right
s: whops
y: haha see i won hands down already
s: errr…u should get a degree…it’ll brighted ur future
y: i will
s: lol…kinna hard leh….since i’m not that keen on opposing ur statement
s: i guess it’s used as a form of proof that u have knowledge and skills in that field ba
y: what nonsense
y: that probably means you have no experience at all
y: you’re at the bottom of the food chain
y: but for me
y: you can have knowledge and skills if you work in that field from young
y: instead of wasting your time going to attend lectures and falling asleep in them anyw
y: but for me
y: i need to get a degree
y: because some fields just need the expertise
s: i see u’re starting to lose the debate and agreeing with the oposing side?
s: haha
y: nope
y: i win still
y: because firstly, i managed to get you to agree with me
y: and secondly, i managed to get you to agree with me even after i changed sides
s: HAHHAHA
y: thirdly, i managed to make my conclusion a much stronger one
s: very manipulative

i believe that i definitely have what it takes, especially from my experiences. it’s really what i am happiest doing, and what i feel most for. i heard god tell me in dec 2005, and i know this is my calling. and this is not an interview, so i’m cutting the crap now hahah.