I’m copying snippets from the blog I used when I closed this one, and also bits from plurk/msn. Just for a resolution.

I simply do not understand the rationale of breaking up with someone but claiming to want to be with them later. Wtf? Toy ah, battery-operated, want to switch on then switch on, switch off then switch off ah? Don’t you think it’s bloody selfish? Yes as CM said, maybe it’s a meaningless struggle that might reach an irreparable state, but isn’t this an irreparable state huh? If you love someone, how can you bear to break her heart so devastatingly, how can you know that she is crying over you every single day and yet still have the heart to cut her away from your life? I know it’s not easy for you too, so why do you have to do this? I know your love for me, and I know you still love me deeply. So why torment both of us this way? And you’ve already started ignoring me! That’s your resolution to things, ain’t it. Run away, avoid! Hide under the covers and pretend things don’t exist! Fantastic. Do you seriously think that after how you hurt me, how cruel you’ve been, I’ll still want to be with you? I’m not like you, my love is not a switch that can be readily turned off and on. But I’m getting there.

I was okay, because I thought we still had December to sort things out, as our main problem was LDR. But you cancelled it. You cancelled PD, Langkawi, Genting, everything. You’re not even bloody coming back now. You did the same thing in July, then you said it was the thing you regretted the most in your life, and now you’re back to doing the exact same thing. How can people trust you? If you don’t want LDR as you claimed, then why cancel December?? You have no idea what you want. You can vacillate between her and me, want and don’t want. You have no clue what you want.

I thought perhaps I was important to you, but looks like I was wrong. I didn’t know what you were thinking in july, and I don’t know what you’re thinking now. I don’t seem important enough for you to share your thoughts with me. You’d rather hurt me time and again than make me understand why you do certain things. You always think you know what’s best for me huh? Who the fuck are you again? You’re not me, how would you know what’s best for me? You just invariably hurt me more. When i needed love, all you could do was yell at me. I don’t need a friend like you who thinks he knows everything. I don’t need you in my life. You claim to love me, but dude, actions speak louder than words. And all your actions say that you don’t give a damn about me.

I’m just disappointed that after we all that we went through, you suddenly decide we’re not worth it anymore, that our love isn’t worth it anymore. Just two more months, and now you give up.

Oh yes, I do love myself. I have such a strong pride, even L knew it since a long time ago. How long have i known you? And you actually say that i don’t love myself. You really don’t know me. It is this exact same pride that is not allowing me to get back with you, be it now, December, or beyond. July, you made mistakes. It’s okay, it was the first time, I can put up with it. But again and again. And now, after you cancelled December. This is the last straw. I won’t let you hurt me again. I have to protect myself first. You’re more than fine with it anyway.

So from your actions, I am forced to believe you never did love me at all. I am taking this to be a non-relationship, i.e. no, I never was in a relationship with you. You’re not the only one who can trivalise this, and I’m all for it. We can just pretend it never happened.

I’m okay now because of love from others. I don’t need you and your love, because I know there are still others who care for me. But it is inevitably sad, as if a loved one died. It hurts to have someone so close to your heart cut away, and I believe in grieving, but what’s more important is learning that your heart can beat on its own . If you truly love yourself, you’ll be happy regardless of whether you’re one or two. I’m happy that it happened, and I don’t regret it at all. I’m already thankful that I had a chance to love someone. Not asking for anything more. So go on ignoring me, I don’t give a shit anymore.

I’m not bitter, not anymore. It’s just kinda like it never happened, and I have awakened from my reverie.