i really can’t take it anymore.

i am fucking miserable.

i can hear that it doesn’t matter to you whether or not we’re together. i can see that it doesn’t bother you at all. this is what our love has become. a burden, a liability. something that causes pain, but not enough pain to actually mean something. you don’t call or even text anymore. and somehow it’s always my fault. oh, i lost hope since that email. hahah why does that sound so familiar? just stop trying to make excuses for your inadequacies. it just doesn’t mean anything to you. i don’t mean anything to you.

this time i am sticking to what i said in october. you can justify october with your bullshit, i don’t give a damn anymore. because to me it can never be justified. december can never be justified. the fact is you chose everything else over me. you can say all you want, but they will just be mere words. and god knows, i don’t believe in words anymore. because that’s all you have given so far. words, words, and more words. i fucking hate broken promises, and that is why i will never get back with you - too many disappointments. it might have taken a while for it to sink in, but i assure you,  it has. there were many times i wanted to tell you that it’s okay, i’ll wait for you, but i have never succeeded. i simply cannot find it in my heart to forgive you for what you’ve done, because you show no remorse. and to just accept you again and again is just incredibly foolish of me. and i will not allow myself to be hurt by you again. i don’t deserve this; no one does. you are a failure at being a man, being a human, and that is really all i can say to you. everytime i talk to you, i get disappointed. this is not the person i fell in love with, and this is definitely not the person i want to spend my life with. and there is only one reason that is logical, and that is you don’t love me. be it ‘anymore’, ‘enough’ or ‘never did’, i don’t want to know anymore.

i was willing to disregard everything if you could make amends. sure, it was after october and i was falling apart, but stupid me still wanted you back even all that has happened. but no, i just wasn’t worth it. we weren’t worth any sacrifice. i’m not going to be a fool anymore.

are you ok, you ask.

i’m more than ok, haha. i’ve just made the smartest decision in a year.

i really did think i meant more to you. but evidently i’m wrong. because everything will come before me, and i have been, and will always be the sacrifice; the disposable one.

it’s my loss, you say. good for you.

that was the last straw.

goodbye, s. it really wasn’t the wrong name to give you.

Welcome to Christmas’ Biology 101. This is how I taught a classmate, 2 years ago, what a nerve impulse was.

By definition, the resting potential is the electrical potential across the plasma membrane of a cell that is not conducting an impulse.
The action potential is the reversal and restoration of the electrical potential across the plasma membrane of a cell, as an electrical impulse passes along it. YAWN. I think I fell asleep three times just reading that, much less register anything wtf.

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WTF MY KNEE/LEG/THIGH IS NOT YOUR FUCKING HAND KEEP YOUR FUCKING ERECTION TO YOURSELF I SWEAR IF I EVER SEE YOU AGAIN THE ONLY THING YOUR FUCKING DICK IS GONNA RUB AGAINST IS THE BLADE OF MY SUPER SHARP SCISSORS FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!

i feel like amputating my leg wtf excuse me imma go puke my lunchner out

OMG GO WATCH AVENUE Q GOGOGO RIGHT NOW and don’t read cuz got spoilerZZZ rerlee go watch byebye.

so crassic.

yes, halloween night, denise and i decided we were too cool (and old) for trick or treating (yes hollie i remember this time it’s not treat or tricking shaddup) and we went to AVENUE Q~ thanks for the brownie :D i think it tasted better squashed hehe. who wants to watch cinderella (omg lea salonga think mulanprincessjasminemisssaigon) in january!!!

anyway. avenue q was hilarious. and i really didn’t expect there to be a christmas eve character hahaha. damn funny la like yitping says, sesame street for adults. of course, i wanted to see aiza seguerra (who is lesbian, btw), who was playing gary coleman, but the rest of the cast were mindblowingly awesome as well. yea i have great vocab, go fly a kite. i wanted to get the t-shirt that said THE INTERNET IS FOR PORN hahaha so funny i thinkall girls would have gone through what kate monster had gone through. and i seriously regret putting that on my msn yesterday because not less than 8 guys told me it’s true wtf. thank god i didn’t get that t-shirt in the end lol. as usual though, i left with the soundtrack :D (bought not stole sheesh go away!)

avenue q was kinda corny actually; college-grad searching for purpose and shit. but it also dealt with issues like racism (I SO AGREE) and homosexualism in a very humourous way. joel trinidad (trekkie monster, nicky) is soooo versatile, and so is carla guevara-laforteza (srsly if u’re famous please get a shorter name kthx see why madonna/rihanna is so popular?) who played kate monster/lucy the slut. god i love filippinos why are they so talented. someone intro me a filippino guy kthx. and the beaches there are among the best in the world no???

i love how they use muppets to act out the whole thing, cuz it wld have been a lot more censored and less funny if real people acted. i love how they state ‘parent advisory: puppet nudity on stage’ on the front of the programme hee. it’s so crude it’s so realistic. not all fairy tales and overexpressed emotions (wtf so many emotions just drown yourself already) aka other classic broadway shows. everyone’s being PC and no you can’t do this or that but ave q just handled all these sensitive issues like a bitch handles her man: easy peasy. clever display of irony, puns, backhanded compliments, toilet humour etc embedded all throughout the show all contributed to great comic effect. when they said misery in other people’s happiness i already thought schadenfraude and was therefore laughing out of place =.= and yes, misery in others’ happiness, german indeed (right ms deutsch-bag?)

ohh, digress. i was on the phone with l yesterday and he said “it takes two hands to clap” and i answered “yea it takes two people to fuck” wtf. hahahahahahh true what!! at least two people ma, same concept as the hands one. you can diy 3x a day but all you’re doing is fucking yourself, and no, no-one considers that to be sex wtf. i’m so proud of myself *wipes tears* haha i love talking with l he’s so cute la like a little kid actually i think i made him say too many wtfs already eh cannot liddis ok good little doggies boys cannot swear so much hahaha. i have to say back in sec 2 bio class i couldn’t stop laughing at the stoma diagram. what? i can’t be the only one! right?? O_O no kittyrat i’m not crude ok. i’m sugar and spice and everything nice *blink blink* =D

oh yah there were a bunch of i dunno, women who looked like spg without the actual angmoh hanging off their arms. denise asked: “are we underdressed or are they overdressed?” “they’re definitely underdressed.” they just couldn’t keep their comments to themselves and had to share them with the entire stall. ok it was probably just one woman. whatever. hahaha.

and last night. MUSIC MAN *cue screams*. *blinks at unmoved faces* hello? 3 words. WANG LEE HOM. i was 60% deaf after the concert ended i tell ya. i will talk about this in another entry lah but ahhh! just let me see penny tai and lea salonga live and i tell you i can die happy now wtf your head lah so easily satisfied i wouldn’t be me already hahahaha. ok nvm. =D but a bit ashamed la i was also being all fangirly. QUEL HORREUR! yea i’m joining the ranks of closet fangirls like doona and clairebear(actually not that closet :P).

and and and. have i converted you to love pearls before swine already? no? then you suck. here’s another one. who cannot love pig tell me??? i keel you. (but then again i heart rat the crocs(who like kenny southpark always die but always reappear anyway) goat zeeba guard duck and even stephan pastis all of them la <3)

c’est la vie. i know i’m not supposed to talk about it anymore, but i think i finally understand why he did what he did. from today onwards i will cease to hurt. i know the hurt that i caused was far more damaging, but if only he was willing to listen, he will know that i never did anything, or even thought of doing anything to hurt him. i would never, in a million years, do such a thing to someone i love so much. but it’s too late for regrets, and i certainly cannot expect to keep getting second chances. i just hoped, against hope probably, that i could have a chance to explain myself. but i never did. once again, when someone makes the conscious decision to leave your life, you have no say in it. so yes, c’est la vie. what can we do but get used to it? sure, there’s the inevitable pain, but it goes away eventually. but your love never dies. when a loved one leaves you, you find that your love does not leave with him/her. but he/she’s already gone, and there is nothing left to do but get over it. my conscience is clear, but it doesn’t matter to him. he refuses to listen, c’est la vie. i have no other choice but to walk on alone. someone whom you thought knew you, someone whom you thought you could spend your life with, was really someone who couldn’t trust you at all, someone who can’t even listen to what you have to say. relationships end not because love dies, but because one party has decided that it’s over. and the other just has to accept it.

c’est la vie.