OMG GO WATCH AVENUE Q GOGOGO RIGHT NOW and don’t read cuz got spoilerZZZ rerlee go watch byebye.

so crassic.

yes, halloween night, denise and i decided we were too cool (and old) for trick or treating (yes hollie i remember this time it’s not treat or tricking shaddup) and we went to AVENUE Q~ thanks for the brownie :D i think it tasted better squashed hehe. who wants to watch cinderella (omg lea salonga think mulanprincessjasminemisssaigon) in january!!!

anyway. avenue q was hilarious. and i really didn’t expect there to be a christmas eve character hahaha. damn funny la like yitping says, sesame street for adults. of course, i wanted to see aiza seguerra (who is lesbian, btw), who was playing gary coleman, but the rest of the cast were mindblowingly awesome as well. yea i have great vocab, go fly a kite. i wanted to get the t-shirt that said THE INTERNET IS FOR PORN hahaha so funny i thinkall girls would have gone through what kate monster had gone through. and i seriously regret putting that on my msn yesterday because not less than 8 guys told me it’s true wtf. thank god i didn’t get that t-shirt in the end lol. as usual though, i left with the soundtrack :D (bought not stole sheesh go away!)

avenue q was kinda corny actually; college-grad searching for purpose and shit. but it also dealt with issues like racism (I SO AGREE) and homosexualism in a very humourous way. joel trinidad (trekkie monster, nicky) is soooo versatile, and so is carla guevara-laforteza (srsly if u’re famous please get a shorter name kthx see why madonna/rihanna is so popular?) who played kate monster/lucy the slut. god i love filippinos why are they so talented. someone intro me a filippino guy kthx. and the beaches there are among the best in the world no???

i love how they use muppets to act out the whole thing, cuz it wld have been a lot more censored and less funny if real people acted. i love how they state ‘parent advisory: puppet nudity on stage’ on the front of the programme hee. it’s so crude it’s so realistic. not all fairy tales and overexpressed emotions (wtf so many emotions just drown yourself already) aka other classic broadway shows. everyone’s being PC and no you can’t do this or that but ave q just handled all these sensitive issues like a bitch handles her man: easy peasy. clever display of irony, puns, backhanded compliments, toilet humour etc embedded all throughout the show all contributed to great comic effect. when they said misery in other people’s happiness i already thought schadenfraude and was therefore laughing out of place =.= and yes, misery in others’ happiness, german indeed (right ms deutsch-bag?)

ohh, digress. i was on the phone with l yesterday and he said “it takes two hands to clap” and i answered “yea it takes two people to fuck” wtf. hahahahahahh true what!! at least two people ma, same concept as the hands one. you can diy 3x a day but all you’re doing is fucking yourself, and no, no-one considers that to be sex wtf. i’m so proud of myself *wipes tears* haha i love talking with l he’s so cute la like a little kid actually i think i made him say too many wtfs already eh cannot liddis ok good little doggies boys cannot swear so much hahaha. i have to say back in sec 2 bio class i couldn’t stop laughing at the stoma diagram. what? i can’t be the only one! right?? O_O no kittyrat i’m not crude ok. i’m sugar and spice and everything nice *blink blink* =D

oh yah there were a bunch of i dunno, women who looked like spg without the actual angmoh hanging off their arms. denise asked: “are we underdressed or are they overdressed?” “they’re definitely underdressed.” they just couldn’t keep their comments to themselves and had to share them with the entire stall. ok it was probably just one woman. whatever. hahaha.

and last night. MUSIC MAN *cue screams*. *blinks at unmoved faces* hello? 3 words. WANG LEE HOM. i was 60% deaf after the concert ended i tell ya. i will talk about this in another entry lah but ahhh! just let me see penny tai and lea salonga live and i tell you i can die happy now wtf your head lah so easily satisfied i wouldn’t be me already hahahaha. ok nvm. =D but a bit ashamed la i was also being all fangirly. QUEL HORREUR! yea i’m joining the ranks of closet fangirls like doona and clairebear(actually not that closet :P).

and and and. have i converted you to love pearls before swine already? no? then you suck. here’s another one. who cannot love pig tell me??? i keel you. (but then again i heart rat the crocs(who like kenny southpark always die but always reappear anyway) goat zeeba guard duck and even stephan pastis all of them la <3)

c’est la vie. i know i’m not supposed to talk about it anymore, but i think i finally understand why he did what he did. from today onwards i will cease to hurt. i know the hurt that i caused was far more damaging, but if only he was willing to listen, he will know that i never did anything, or even thought of doing anything to hurt him. i would never, in a million years, do such a thing to someone i love so much. but it’s too late for regrets, and i certainly cannot expect to keep getting second chances. i just hoped, against hope probably, that i could have a chance to explain myself. but i never did. once again, when someone makes the conscious decision to leave your life, you have no say in it. so yes, c’est la vie. what can we do but get used to it? sure, there’s the inevitable pain, but it goes away eventually. but your love never dies. when a loved one leaves you, you find that your love does not leave with him/her. but he/she’s already gone, and there is nothing left to do but get over it. my conscience is clear, but it doesn’t matter to him. he refuses to listen, c’est la vie. i have no other choice but to walk on alone. someone whom you thought knew you, someone whom you thought you could spend your life with, was really someone who couldn’t trust you at all, someone who can’t even listen to what you have to say. relationships end not because love dies, but because one party has decided that it’s over. and the other just has to accept it.

c’est la vie.

things are getting out of control. this blog will stay, everything else goes. won’t be blogging for a while though.

god help me.

so i’m back home after half a month. wearing clean shirts that smell like my mama and not the cheap detergent i bought at jusco. being amazed at how fast an episode can download (am watching it right now hehe). don’t have to worry about seeing mice shit among my stuff, or taking the rubbish out to throw while pinching my nose. no loss of electricity or water stoppage here, no way. i guess you never do know how good home is until you’ve experienced worse. but i still enjoy living in kl, despite the loneliness and the dirty, decrepit conditions. i know what this place has to offer, but still, i prefer being away from home. i may have never been really rebellious (like joining gangs or becoming an ah lian) but we really are all rebellious in our own ways. which is a good thing, because hey, conformity is très, très boring.

why did i come home, if i was so happy in kl, or even penang this time? loneliness. the thing about studying overseas is, once school ends, you hardly ever see each other again. more so now that the new school term has started, and suddenly you find all your friends scattered across the universe. unless you’re juan, willing go to hk to look for schoolmates, most people hardly care. who do i know in kl? not many people. even fewer in penang. sure, when you see the starbucks barista enough times she starts to recognise you and might even strike a conversation in broken english, or a random uncle might try to kacau you, but these are not friends. there’s only so many times you can chat on msn before you feel like talking to someone, anyone, and so many times your friends can tell you they miss you and vice versa before you feel like being in several different places at once.

Read the rest of this entry »

sorry i haven’t been updating much. there’s been so much i want to say, but every time i open this thing i don’t know the best way to put it, and as my old english teacher mr N would say - i’m a perfectionist when it comes to words. i like to think of myself as a literary acupuncturist :) which is… really an excuse for not blogging. heh. oh no why did i say it out loud?!

anyway. there are a lot of things that i can’t really say, sadly, in fear that the repercussions might be overwhelming.

i’m going back to singapore tomorrow. i wish someone would tell me what to do. i’m sick of being the one people come to for advice, and have no one to advise me on things because no one can empathise. i wish people would understand. in times like this i really wish my parents would not be so deadset on one option and close their minds to others. how am i supposed to discuss things with them like that? and i desperately need them to understand. my sis is going to osaka next month for half a year, and home will be scary again, just like it has been when she was away in hiroshima earlier. i was at home in july because she was away, but in half a month she will be gone, and i think i will be here in malaysia again soon after. i really don’t know how us humans can love and dislike some people so strongly at the same time. i wish it was as easy as pack my bags and leave. i don’t know what will happen at home, what will happen to me, what will happen at all. i just hope things go smoothly as planned.

god, i really need you now. please, i need help. i hate it when people say “oh she’s smart, she’ll figure things out” and forget that i’m not even out of my teens. i’m just a kid who’s gone off track and needs to get back on. i don’t need these unnecessary complications in my already exceedingly complicated life.

it’s so frustrating that i can’t even say what i want to say properly in my own bloody blog ARGH. people, to read my password-protected posts, EMAIL me.

i’ve been in kl moving into my new room. which has no internet. apparently the internet in that area is really bad, so there’s no use applying for it. i might look into getting that portable maxis modem thing, which looks nifty, although it’s far more expensive than singtel’s. rm200 for a room with a bed, a table, a dresser and a cupboard AND inclusive of utilities is really worth it, so all’s good. it’s not in a bad location although it’s a little ulu. however there are lots of food stalls and little mamaks around. there’s also a bus stop not far away and taxis are aplenty. why la why rapidkl so cheap only compared to rapidpenang! penang is so expensive *grumble* good thing about taking taxis from there is they all use meters!

horrible blisters on my feet and being away in kl have prevented me from getting a good workout and i have been gorging myself on all that delicious malaysian food ugh. i know it’s a tourist rip off but i love beryl’s chocolate <3 and i have just restocked my supply *happy* i miss going to the gym; yesterday’s gym was my shortest session ever - 40 mins. everything hurts my head my tummy my feet.. and still not a good workout. i am such a loser. now just let me be a big loser on the scales heheh.

ok sorry my life is boring. let me share this story on a little kiss. once i babysat this little girl (let’s call her k) about 6 years of age. she was playing with her toys and didn’t really warm up to me so i just sat in another corner and sulked. see why they let kids babysit kids stupid right. no la i was feeling a little down and so i just watched her from a corner. then suddenly she came up to me and gave me a kiss on the lips. digress a bit.. i gave this little primary one kid tuition some time ago, and suddenly at the end of the first session he gave me a big hug. i dunno why kids either love or hate me but i tell you ah, they are slowly but surely making me into a paedophile (and ryan tan too!). not my fault ok! that little guy is now in the states oei kiev come back already la i even miss your crying for tiger susu biscuits i buy you 2 packets la ok end digression. ok back to the little girl’s kiss. i looked at her and went “whaa-?” but then k answered: “jie jie i give you kiss, give you strength! in the storybook also, the (male character) gave the (female character) a kiss then she got strength!!”. i was so taken aback by that action! thinking back, it was really sweet of her to do that. btw why do kids’ storybooks have kissing?? little kids should not be exposed to that. (this also makes little boys hate fairytales!) okok nobody died and made me expert on children’s storybooks. in any case…. i’m glad the kiss gave the female character strength instead of ‘the kiss of death‘ ala harry potter style. someone should sue disney for planting the ideas in little kids heads that every girl has a prince and everything ends up happily ever after.

i’ve been reading this for a while and it made me cry. go over and give her some support k.. it’s the blog of the girlfriend of one of the two NS guys who died while serving the nation. haven’t been in singapore for some time and i didn’t know of the passing of the two guys serving national service last month. i think the other guy is really pitiful, because as another blog says, it’s clear who singapore misses more. why is my country like that! i’m really ashamed to call myself singaporean. just look at the whole saga in the blogosphere now, or better yet, look at stomp.

if you would like to read my protected posts from now on, feel free to comment below and i will email you the password to future entries. they’d probably just be rants though. this place is not like livejournal where i can just filter everyone, so people i know irl should not be too offended if i don’t give you the password.

today i saw an old woman. i don’t know why my eyes fixed onto her, for she was so ordinary, so common, blending into the crowd on the mrt. then i saw this old photo she had in her transparent card case of sorts. it was sepia, and featured a young woman probably in her late teens or early twenties. everyone has their story, and it’s just so fascinating to know that everyone has their own secrets and heartaches, as well as their joys and happiness. everyone has their own unique purpose for living. you look at the girl tearing in the corner, and you know she has a story. you look at the guy smiling to himself and you know he has a story as well. be it the elderly woman who clings on to her old young photo or the young couple tangled up in each other opposite you, everyone has their story. i don’t know why people complain that autobiographies are boring, when you can learn the gist they learnt in their lifetime in a book. actually i don’t know how people can condense their life stories into chapters with one-word titles when all the beauty is in the details. all the little bits and pieces account for life, and although life so far hasn’t gone as smoothly as i hoped it would have, all remain precious to me and i wouldn’t have it any other way.

i’m letting go. the moment i clicked send on that email, i felt a wave of serenity and peace wash over me. learning to let go, learning to stop clinging on to the things that just weren’t meant to be. when you’re a toddler, you learn to give up your little blanket and your pacifier, things you’ve held so dearly to your heart. but there’s a time for everything to go, and there’re pastures we have yet to seek. only by giving up your security blanket can you venture forth into the real world and learn to be independent. you might cry and be depressed but this is all but permanent. i remember having to give up my bottle when i was a kid and crying for days. if things don’t mean much to you, it won’t hurt as much when you have to part with them. but you learn to cherish. you learn to treasure memories, and that at least you had them once. you’d lived it, tasted it, experienced it. and that’s really more than enough for me :) it’s better than hopelessly trying to make things work when everything has changed and deceive yourself into believing this is really what you want. with every sorrow comes a greater appreciation for happiness. and failures make the eventual victory sweeter.

working on myself for now. hope to change things for the better, and to put my words into action. that’s the trouble with us dreamers. plan and dream and take our own sweet time to do things. well i’m gonna be pro-active from now on, and start living life the way it should be lived.

i got a new camera, the sony t2. i thought it was ideal for me since i don’t want to carry my heavy and bulky s5 everywhere i go, and i always, always forget to bring my sd card (sigh so silly) but then i realise i really forgot how to use a simple point and click. see all my pics turned out blurry :’( eh in my defense ah, all the pet photos were taken illegally, and the kid was jumping around. hokay!!

i was feeling so down that i decided to go visit a pet shop the next day. pet shops are horrible. i went to pet lovers’ centre vivo and the dogs were all tired and looked sickly. there was a beautiful lion-like dog though, and he was gorgeous. a westie was an off-white colour and all were drained of energy. what do they do to them?? >:(

welsh corgi

schnauzer

see? all sleeping one! dunno la i was so sad after i came out of the store. told myself if i do buy a dog i won’t get it from a pet store. anyway ask questions they also won’t know how to answer hmpf. anyway i passed by this sign at their entrance entitled 10 commandments, which i thought was quite cute so i snapped a photo (but too blur so i won’t embarrass myself and type it out instead double hmpf!).

1) my life is likely to last 10 to 15 years. any separation from you will be painful for me. remember that before you get me.
2) give me time to understand what you want of me.
3) place your trust in me. it is crucial for my well-being.
4) don’t be angry with me for long and don’t lock me up as punishment. you have your work, entertainment and friends. i have only you.
5) talk to me sometimes. even if i don’t understand your words. i understand your voice.
6) be aware that however you treat me, i’ll never forget it.
7) please don’t hit me as i cannot hit back but i can bite and scratch and i really don’t want to do that to you.
8) before you scold me for being so uncooperative, obstinate or lazy, ask yourself if sometime might be bothering me. perhaps i’m not getting the right food or i’ve been out in the sun too long or my heart is old and weak.
9) take care of me when i get old, as you too will grow old one day.
10) go with me on difficult journeys. never say, “i can’t bear to watch,” or “let it happen in my absence.” everything is easier for me if you are there. remember i will always love you.

so i was disappointed yes, but i didn’t give up. off to holland v’s branch of pet lovers. soooo much better. at least they were normal, active, excited dogs! very cool la but the french bulldog was shuddering i felt so sad for her. she’s only two months old. haih i dunno how people can just cage these adorable creatures up like that :( but in all honesty hor, the french bulldog really looked like a french bulldog la, if you know what i mean.

illegal picture of a pretty, pretty pom that i just had to take! this pomeranian was sooo playful i wanted to just take her home there and then. there was a scottish terrier (ooo, small lil thing) that was yelping like crazy. what a contrast to another scottish terrier at vivo.

this was the hardest photo to take because it was right under the noses of the people in charge. hehe. i couldn’t resist - he’s just looking at me with puppy dog eyes (pun intended)! his coat was so much brighter than the westie at the vivo branch too.

yesterday i was having lunch at kim gary in gurney when suddenly this head popped up at me o_O really. omg i don’t have much experience with 4-year-olds and had been thinking that shin-chan couldn’t really exist because i didn’t think 5-year-olds were so gregarious or vivacious!

this is ryan, aged 4.

clearly i was wrong. wah i tell you ah, at this age i’ve hardly been told that i have to “finish all your food! you have to finish all you take!” wtf :’( i not even at some atas buffet ok.. :’( at first he was just popping up and down. he was at the other table with a partition right? (see picture) and he kept bouncing on his seat, making a different face when he came up. so incredibly cute can! btw he said i only eight years old. wtf. but still. why la why these charmers always start young?? sigh by the time he gets to my age he’d been snapped up long, long time ago :( ok i shall stop being so paedophilic.

ryan: why you don’t finish your fries?
me: no i’m done.. do you want some?
ryan: no cannot! i still have my bread. you have to finish your fries!!
me: huh but i’m full already o_O
ryan: you have to finish all you take!
me: but you never finish your bread also what!!
ryan: but i’m full already!!!!

-_- pengsan

man he was so cheery he really brightened up my mood lots :) he offered me his sandwich (”bread”) and was almost climbing over to my table lol. i’ve really forgotten what’s it like being with kids. it’s been a year since my teaching in thailand, and i do miss those lovelies.

thank you, 4-year-old ryan tan from penang :) god bless you lots.

i tried not to blog for the past few days because i didn’t want to verbalise what i felt, or really, how i am feeling right now. as if if i don’t put it in black and white it will cease to exist. doesn’t seem to have worked. it has gone from bad to worse, and whoever said it is darkest before dawn should be shot. seriously, my current moodswings are far, far worse than any sort of pms i’ve ever had, and i have to owe them to external circumstances. life, why are you making a fool out of me?

from my favourite comic strip.

i want to sue johnson’s baby shampoo for false advertising. how does one ‘cheer up’? is there any point cheering up when you know life the baseball player is gonna sock you one right in the eye soon?

getting to be a little too lonely; i need some company, but i don’t think i have any good confidants. haiyo why don’t i have someone who’s on the same wavelength who’s here with me? now would be a really, really good time for me to get a dog.

sigh. there’s really no point in living life like this.

friday night. i just got off the bus at 9.30pm from singapore to kl, and was in search of a ticket from kl to penang. normally these touts would be all over the place, screaming ‘butterword‘ or ‘pinang’. for some reason, there were no such shouts on friday night (although i did hear a ‘butterword’) but they were all at 12mn. then i saw this girl who was also going to penang. “penang ada?” and i went “ooo” and decided to follow her. yes stalker much. so i followed her to different counters in pudu, then followed her across the road from pudu, and watched as she bought her ticket while planning to rob her. ok no just kidding. and i bought the ticket also lo since there really was just one bus -.- and at 35 ringgit.

i didn’t know it was the start of the school holidays in malaysia, and it was really difficult to get tickets sigh. normally it’ll be 27 ringgit for a normal coach bus to penang, but this time it was 35 ringgit for a lousy 4-seats-in-a-row bus sighhhh. which stank to high heaven. it also stopped at kota raya for an hour before even moving its sorry ass.

so anyway, we had lots of time to kill and she headed to the 24-jam kfc opposite pudu. and i followed suit. hehe. omg i am such a good stalker because she hadn’t noticed me at all :P i know this because i told her i stalked her when we were about to board the bus. i went up to her and asked “are you going to penang” lol. yes, this at the risk of seeming like an extremely psychotic stalker at 12mn at a dodgy bus station. but surprisingly she even thought it was cute (o_O the things some people find cute these days) and told her bf on the phone all about me. uhhh okay haha. it was a good ride lah; having someone to talk to on the way instead of having a lonely ride on a scary bus is so much better. hehs. and i made a new friend :D one thing i don’t understand is how we, complete strangers, can talk about everything and anything. even intimate stuff. hahah never underestimate the power of two girls.

i don’t think this was the first time i stalked someone, but er, i can’t remember the last time i did so. haih why am i so creepy!

edit:
a) i hate it how when people have a problem with me, they don’t come clean. instead, i’m left to wonder what i did wrong, and why this happened. i’m really sick of all these. i’d very much rather you spit it in my face than talk about me behind my back. especially since i really like you a lot. i’m sorry i did what i did. what’s the use of bottling up all that hate? why can’t you just address your grievances with the person you have a bone to pick with and give him/her the chance to defend him/herself?

b) please don’t hear things and assume them to be true. what happened to something called brains? i know who you’re talking about, but i don’t know why you think she’s me. i don’t know how it happened, but i think it’s got something to do with what l said, and also your own jumping to conclusions. i understand where you’re coming from, but coming from someone your age, i would think you would know what graciousness means.

c) you’re pretty and have a good voice and you might be a wonderful girl, i don’t know, but i’m sorry that this had to happen with a stranger. i hate all your drama and i hate to be caught up in all of it. you seem like a nice enough person, but all that you do just screams immaturity, ingratitude and ignorance. little miss caught-up-in-her-own-world, i never wanted to have anything to do with you.

d) i’m sorry the difference in concepts of ‘like’ and ‘love’ are so foreign to you. so many things have happened and although i call you a jerk, i still believe that underneath it all, you’re a good person. i do love you as a friend, dearly, but it’s impossible for me to even like you anymore. all along i’ve treated you as a younger brother, being influenced by your cousin. in my eyes, you are her are perfect, and if anything, i wished nothing better than for you both to continue being together. indeed, perhaps i never really knew you. i’m sorry you had to change. too many people, too many lies, too many times.

e) whatever lah. i want nothing to do with you or your family anymore, all three hundred and fifty of them. it’s been very tiring can. you’re the one i’m hurting the most, you’re the one i regret hurting the most. but unfortunately i don’t have a say in this. you know me, you know i will not accept this with a clear conscience. something has to be sacrificed, everyone has a price to pay. although it’s really not your fault, i never pulled you into this. it’s just too bad you had to be sucked into this evil tornado of deceit, lies and betrayal. you’re one i never wanted to lose, but had to anyway.
/edit

that does it. that totally takes the cake.

i am never ever cooking for myself ever again. god i can’t even fry eggs without making myself sick. no more. however, if you hate someone terribly much, feel free to engage my services :) or just, you know, don’t incur my wrath.

the service in singapore is horrible. absolutely disgusting. hey, they can compete with penang taxi drivers! see the lands of the hokkien speakers have lots in common. speaking of hokkien, i watched broadway beng on sunday night, and it was lovely. didn’t understand a word. yeah sorry i belong to that new generation of singaporeans who cannot understand or speak hokkien. buay hiao tia & buay hiao kong hokkien wei. solly ah. which brings me to the topic of roots and culture but it is far too nice an afternoon for me to want to ruin it. not that it already has been ruined enough, with me puking out my breakfast of fried eggs. on the kitchen floor.

there. i just ruined yours too :)

feeling too bloated and grumpky (grumpy+cranky) to continue on. so later. maybe it can be a new category hehs.

UPDATE: so i was asking a friend to help me get some stuff from g by guess and he was making a big hoo ha about its name… and i didn’t even notice although i’ve known that brand for quite a while now. don’t get it? read the name again. guys *roll eyes* well to think of it, if they really launched gbuy by google…. well i think it’d have been quite a hit in the chinese market.

site updates: literatti has finally been set up, please go have a look if like me, you think some books are worth lusting over. wishlist has been created too, but it’s only for my own guilty pleasure. the font has also been enlarged for easy reading. the about me section will be updated soon zzzZZZ/end UPDATE