love is not about it being worth it or not. humans always think of whether something is worth my time/effort, what’s the opportunity cost, what’s in it for me, he doesn’t deserve you, you don’t deserve her… i say screw it. why must there be something “in it for me”? do mums say, if i buy my 3-year-old kid an ice-cream, maybe he won’t put me in a home for the aged 30 years later? does God say, if i bless this woman, will i get an extra $50 in tithes or she’ll do a good deed for someone else? LOVE DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY. it’s probably the only thing that can make humans this stupid, but it’s also the only thing that make humans human. it’s not about what you get back, at least not tangibly.

in canada, we went to a home to sing christmas carols. sure, i’ve had praises on my singing before, and yes i appreciate them,  but when it comes from an elderly woman in a wheelchair with tears in her eyes, struggling to get the words out, you can hardly take it lightly.

angela was so worked up after chatting with a guy staying at the home. she was on the verge of tears, probably due to her korean background. “these people actually have children; their children just don’t want them!” and “in korea they would never send their parents to a home!” this was very unstandable - visiting such places does make you realise a lot. but it wasn’t the first time for me, and perhaps my heart has been hardened, but i told her “if the children are busy, or don’t have the means to take care of their parents, then perhaps putting them under professional care will be the best, especially under pallative conditions.” but nobody would like to go to a home. no senior would like to live with other old people; in singapore the elderly mostly like to see the children and the youth, even in their neighbourhood. the government here has built these homes near schools so that schoolgoing children can do their mandatory community service there, but children often dislike seniors. myself, i can hardly claim to be detached from these people.

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For a place to call my own, for a home where I truly belong. No need to consult whoever on what I can or cannot do. I can have wooden flooring with snug carpets, with comfy couches and a dog on my lap. No drinking out of plastic bottles or eating from fastfood takeaways. I’d get a bicycle if I want, and go travelling to an exotic country, just me and my backpack, without informing anyone but the pet motel. I’ll be free to do whatever I want, be it embarrassing headbopping to cringe-worthy music or eating ice-cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

I don’t know how long it’s been since I’ve returned home to the aroma of delicious homecooked food waiting on the table for me. Wouldn’t it be great if like when you’re all stressed out about things at school/work, you know that you can always count on returning home to something warm, comforting and amazing? When I was in Penang I was so touched; once the part-time maid had actually made me porridge after I got home from practice! See why I like the good wife’s guide now? Can I have a househusband please? What if I say pretty please and give you a brownie?? Sigh why wasn’t I born a guy?!

When I was in Primary One and one of our assignments was to draw our greatest wish. I drew a picture of my family having dinner all together. I’ve always loved Chinese New Year because of the atmosphere, and of course, reunion dinner. Or rather, numerous reunion dinners. It’s a bit like the Western Christmas where the extended family gather to have a meal together amidst discussions, jokes and laughter all around. Love the festive season.

I like being random and having fun. Like standing under the sensors in a parking space and watching the light overhead turn from green to red. Using the flat escalators as treadmills. Lying on the road at night pretending to be starfish or freezing my hand in ice-cold water before shaking hands with people. Making snow angels on the white ground and then having a snowball fight trampling on each other’s angel. Stealing snowballs from others and throwing it at them. Being an ‘Indian Jellyfish’ in the swimming pool complete with a whole Crayon Shinchan-esque dance. Just being spontaneous and making people smile. I wish for great friends to unleash their inner kiddoes to be crazy with me!! And perhaps also for someone special to share the future with. Imagine spending Friday nights just lounging and singing our hearts out (out of tune would be best hehe) to energy-packed songs! Preferably with a drink in hand hahaha.

I’ve always dreamed of decorating my own place. It doesn’t have to be big as long as it’s cosy and spells contentment. Dim romantic lights accompanying the minimalistic designs in white and purple(or blue), with fat plushy cushions to sink into after a tiring day. Something stylish yet comfy. Maybe with horizontal striped turquoise walls (or vertical pink&grey stripes) or a little water garden that exudes tranquility and peace. I’ll have large cookie jars with labels that say ‘Cure for headaches and heartaches’ or ‘Have a little bit of love on me’. A huge wall to scribble or doodle on, which will be filled with inane scrawls of whatever fills my head that very moment - like a Twitterwall!! Furry carpets/huge rugs on wooden floorboards. Pretty paintings and dressy curtains (or maybe Roman blinds). White sheets with thick, fluffy pillows. Home would look splendid with the scorching sun filtered (unless it’s somewhere like Canada and it’s not summer), or sunbeams dancing on the water. A single armchair to curl up in reading a good book on a rainy day would be lovely.

I would like a garden too please, where I will let my dog (hopefully dogs) roam freely and I will be at ease with Mother Nature. I would like to lie under the stars (just like how we slept under the stars at the beach in Batu Ferringhi on Friday nights) and have a nightsky dotted with stars as dazzling as that of Bintan’s. I remember the rush of cold air in the dead of winter in Canada while I walked with a good friend, chatting about anything that popped into our heads, having to keep walking lest we freeze. With the stars watching over us and the moon accompanying us, together with good conversation… what more is there to ask for? :)

Can’t you just imagine a room with a door leading to a small veranda/patio with a gorgeous view? I’ll sit there and paint, or have breakfast with the birds bringing their first song of joy early in the morning. Kinda reminds me of my guesthouse in Khao Lak, where there is a view of a vast expanse of sky, land and sea dwarfing you with its immensity and taking your breath away with its natural yet exceptional beauty.

The possibilities are endless, the future unrestrained, the love overflowing. A place where dreams are cultivated and hopes are encouraged, where imagination runs wild and utopia seems dull. Hopefully where the rest of my life is spent with that special someone and lots and lots of laughter.