i can hear that it doesn’t matter to you whether or not we’re together. i can see that it doesn’t bother you at all. this is what our love has become. a burden, a liability. something that causes pain, but not enough pain to actually mean something. you don’t call or even text anymore. and somehow it’s always my fault. oh, i lost hope since that email. hahah why does that sound so familiar? just stop trying to make excuses for your inadequacies. it just doesn’t mean anything to you. i don’t mean anything to you.

this time i am sticking to what i said in october. you can justify october with your bullshit, i don’t give a damn anymore. because to me it can never be justified. december can never be justified. the fact is you chose everything else over me. you can say all you want, but they will just be mere words. and god knows, i don’t believe in words anymore. because that’s all you have given so far. words, words, and more words. i fucking hate broken promises, and that is why i will never get back with you - too many disappointments. it might have taken a while for it to sink in, but i assure you,  it has. there were many times i wanted to tell you that it’s okay, i’ll wait for you, but i have never succeeded. i simply cannot find it in my heart to forgive you for what you’ve done, because you show no remorse. and to just accept you again and again is just incredibly foolish of me. and i will not allow myself to be hurt by you again. i don’t deserve this; no one does. you are a failure at being a man, being a human, and that is really all i can say to you. everytime i talk to you, i get disappointed. this is not the person i fell in love with, and this is definitely not the person i want to spend my life with. and there is only one reason that is logical, and that is you don’t love me. be it ‘anymore’, ‘enough’ or ‘never did’, i don’t want to know anymore.

i was willing to disregard everything if you could make amends. sure, it was after october and i was falling apart, but stupid me still wanted you back even all that has happened. but no, i just wasn’t worth it. we weren’t worth any sacrifice. i’m not going to be a fool anymore.

are you ok, you ask.

i’m more than ok, haha. i’ve just made the smartest decision in a year.

i really did think i meant more to you. but evidently i’m wrong. because everything will come before me, and i have been, and will always be the sacrifice; the disposable one.

it’s my loss, you say. good for you.

that was the last straw.

goodbye, s. it really wasn’t the wrong name to give you.

OMG GO WATCH AVENUE Q GOGOGO RIGHT NOW and don’t read cuz got spoilerZZZ rerlee go watch byebye.

so crassic.

yes, halloween night, denise and i decided we were too cool (and old) for trick or treating (yes hollie i remember this time it’s not treat or tricking shaddup) and we went to AVENUE Q~ thanks for the brownie :D i think it tasted better squashed hehe. who wants to watch cinderella (omg lea salonga think mulanprincessjasminemisssaigon) in january!!!

anyway. avenue q was hilarious. and i really didn’t expect there to be a christmas eve character hahaha. damn funny la like yitping says, sesame street for adults. of course, i wanted to see aiza seguerra (who is lesbian, btw), who was playing gary coleman, but the rest of the cast were mindblowingly awesome as well. yea i have great vocab, go fly a kite. i wanted to get the t-shirt that said THE INTERNET IS FOR PORN hahaha so funny i thinkall girls would have gone through what kate monster had gone through. and i seriously regret putting that on my msn yesterday because not less than 8 guys told me it’s true wtf. thank god i didn’t get that t-shirt in the end lol. as usual though, i left with the soundtrack :D (bought not stole sheesh go away!)

avenue q was kinda corny actually; college-grad searching for purpose and shit. but it also dealt with issues like racism (I SO AGREE) and homosexualism in a very humourous way. joel trinidad (trekkie monster, nicky) is soooo versatile, and so is carla guevara-laforteza (srsly if u’re famous please get a shorter name kthx see why madonna/rihanna is so popular?) who played kate monster/lucy the slut. god i love filippinos why are they so talented. someone intro me a filippino guy kthx. and the beaches there are among the best in the world no???

i love how they use muppets to act out the whole thing, cuz it wld have been a lot more censored and less funny if real people acted. i love how they state ‘parent advisory: puppet nudity on stage’ on the front of the programme hee. it’s so crude it’s so realistic. not all fairy tales and overexpressed emotions (wtf so many emotions just drown yourself already) aka other classic broadway shows. everyone’s being PC and no you can’t do this or that but ave q just handled all these sensitive issues like a bitch handles her man: easy peasy. clever display of irony, puns, backhanded compliments, toilet humour etc embedded all throughout the show all contributed to great comic effect. when they said misery in other people’s happiness i already thought schadenfraude and was therefore laughing out of place =.= and yes, misery in others’ happiness, german indeed (right ms deutsch-bag?)

ohh, digress. i was on the phone with l yesterday and he said “it takes two hands to clap” and i answered “yea it takes two people to fuck” wtf. hahahahahahh true what!! at least two people ma, same concept as the hands one. you can diy 3x a day but all you’re doing is fucking yourself, and no, no-one considers that to be sex wtf. i’m so proud of myself *wipes tears* haha i love talking with l he’s so cute la like a little kid actually i think i made him say too many wtfs already eh cannot liddis ok good little doggies boys cannot swear so much hahaha. i have to say back in sec 2 bio class i couldn’t stop laughing at the stoma diagram. what? i can’t be the only one! right?? O_O no kittyrat i’m not crude ok. i’m sugar and spice and everything nice *blink blink* =D

oh yah there were a bunch of i dunno, women who looked like spg without the actual angmoh hanging off their arms. denise asked: “are we underdressed or are they overdressed?” “they’re definitely underdressed.” they just couldn’t keep their comments to themselves and had to share them with the entire stall. ok it was probably just one woman. whatever. hahaha.

and last night. MUSIC MAN *cue screams*. *blinks at unmoved faces* hello? 3 words. WANG LEE HOM. i was 60% deaf after the concert ended i tell ya. i will talk about this in another entry lah but ahhh! just let me see penny tai and lea salonga live and i tell you i can die happy now wtf your head lah so easily satisfied i wouldn’t be me already hahahaha. ok nvm. =D but a bit ashamed la i was also being all fangirly. QUEL HORREUR! yea i’m joining the ranks of closet fangirls like doona and clairebear(actually not that closet :P).

and and and. have i converted you to love pearls before swine already? no? then you suck. here’s another one. who cannot love pig tell me??? i keel you. (but then again i heart rat the crocs(who like kenny southpark always die but always reappear anyway) goat zeeba guard duck and even stephan pastis all of them la <3)

c’est la vie. i know i’m not supposed to talk about it anymore, but i think i finally understand why he did what he did. from today onwards i will cease to hurt. i know the hurt that i caused was far more damaging, but if only he was willing to listen, he will know that i never did anything, or even thought of doing anything to hurt him. i would never, in a million years, do such a thing to someone i love so much. but it’s too late for regrets, and i certainly cannot expect to keep getting second chances. i just hoped, against hope probably, that i could have a chance to explain myself. but i never did. once again, when someone makes the conscious decision to leave your life, you have no say in it. so yes, c’est la vie. what can we do but get used to it? sure, there’s the inevitable pain, but it goes away eventually. but your love never dies. when a loved one leaves you, you find that your love does not leave with him/her. but he/she’s already gone, and there is nothing left to do but get over it. my conscience is clear, but it doesn’t matter to him. he refuses to listen, c’est la vie. i have no other choice but to walk on alone. someone whom you thought knew you, someone whom you thought you could spend your life with, was really someone who couldn’t trust you at all, someone who can’t even listen to what you have to say. relationships end not because love dies, but because one party has decided that it’s over. and the other just has to accept it.

c’est la vie.

i told myself i couldn’t have such hatred, but perhaps the only way to really get over someone is to hate that person. it’s okay. once i get over him i’ll forget him and i’ll lose the hatred too. no i’m not bitter. it’s just like being annoyed and angry and then being a bitch and scolding someone, my forte. after that you don’t remember it anymore, because it’s not even worth the 2mb in your brain.

from breaking hearts to two-timing to toying with feelings - what is he not capable of? he is not the least bothered about hurting others. why did i get so sad over this kind of man??? pffft. not worth my time or tears or heart. guys are adept at being jerksfuckers, and you can never believe what a man tells you, not one word. some things he repeated all the time, and thankfully i heard but i didn’t listen. but i’m not mad because he doesn’t want me. it’s the way he handled things after that.

this is what you wanted, isn’t it? for me to hate you. now your wish is granted, so go sleep in peace. you obviously don’t care about how others feel. and today you confirmed what i’ve always suspected. but no worries, i can play this game too. i must have been crazy to imagine being with you in the long run. look at how you handle things. close your eyes, pretend it’s not there, hide under mommy’s skirt eh? this kind of guy cannot handle any sort of responsibility, because all he’ll do is shirk it and then swept the mess under the carpet.

i know you don’t love me because someone who loves me would never want me in this state. in this fucked up state i’ve been for the past 2.5 weeks. and no, not one are you ok? or i’m sorry to hurt you like this but instead, he’s the one getting angry and then ignoring me altogether. he doesn’t give a flying fuck to any consequences, now or then. it doesn’t concern him anymore and thus it’s none of his business, selfish bastard. he can be hypocritical and delete my little harmless facebook comment that was made in good humour, ignore me for 2 weeks now, and yet pretends he still cares. hahahaha don’t make my toes laugh.

yes it’s a painful lesson and also a long, costly mistake. haha cynical me actually taking that leap of faith, and then ending up with another battlewound. how not to be jaded, you tell me? do you remember july where you supposedly were making the right choices for me? what gives you the right to know what’s best for me? you make the right choice for yourself. i made that mistake so many times, thinking it’s the best for you. how did you feel? whatever it is, it doesn’t matter anymore. as long as you’re happy this way, i’ll accept it.

—————-

all that was written last night. i didn’t want to post this at first, but why should i self-censor on my blog? now i’m feeling quite blasé. maybe everything was just a cruel joke. maybe his sis told him to ignore me or he never did love me right from the beginning. maybe he’s got another girl in his arms and is laughing at me right now. maybe his objective is to make me hate him. no matter the reason, bottom line is, he wants nothing to do with me anymore. so all i can do now is respect that :)

i know it’s gonna take time, but it’s stupid not moving on when he already has. i don’t think he’s ever loved me, if his actions are anything to go by. from april all the way to june, then july, then october. yes it’s my fault for being indecisive and mean, but he’s also to blame for being the spineless guy who doesn’t know what he wants. not like he treated me very well either. i believe that he never did love me to begin with, and i was just being an idiot. but mpr, it’s over, damage done, just do damage control now. not too late; never too late.

molly cheers me up :) princess and the queen! (from facebook)

i love the drum drum molly. she looks like a teardrop fifa with her reddened cheeks and pouted lips! so adorable~ and yea, i kinda feel you right now =’)

this is the classic molly the painter! hauntingly beautiful, no? i think she’s akin to a clown. clowns are meant to be funny, but the result? some find them scary, some love the harlequin. for me it’s a mixture of both, and that is definitely intriguing. it reminds me of plath and her bees. morbid fascination.

listening to penny tai and aiza segurra on my ipod also makes me feel at peace. and maybe i feel a little weak due to my giddiness, but i’ve never been frail. i’ve always been radiant, healthy, sunkissed. and i know this is not going to last. no more crying until i feel like i have epilepsy. no need for referrals to neurologists. inner strength, inner peace, god’s love, fantastic friends, more than sufficient. oh, and a little chocolate won’t do any harm :)

yes, when i think of him my heart hurts. i can’t seem to bring myself to hate him. all i’m left with is an overwhelming sense of sadness and disappointment. perhaps it was inevitable; something had to be done, and he decided to be the baddie. i understand that. but he had gone ahead and decided to give up completely. when did our love become not worth it anymore? i thought i meant more to you. so yes, if he can be so heartless, i’d rather believe he didn’t love me in the first place.

to be fair, i know why his reasons for not wanting me. sick of the want-don’t-want, the vacillations. what i don’t know, is his reason for ignoring me. maybe to make me give up. s, you still don’t understand me huh. remember there was once i ignored you for three days and you were dying already? what makes you think i am any different? but you can be so much meaner than i am. girls are so stupid. nice girls are always doormats. and then guys just treat them like, well, doormats. i find myself smiling as i type all these. which is weird =.= but it’s good. simply smiles. my tears might flow but i am still smiling. because i know, and i understand. when one party decides he/she wants out, the other one can really do nothing but wish him/her all the best :)

plato thinks that people want to get out of the cave, but a lot of people would rather not expose themselves to the world outside, like how people refuse to fall in love, in fear of having their heart trampled upon. and yet others are thankful for their experiences. it’s a kind of bittersweet feeling, when you are both grateful that god arranged for you to fall so deeply in love with someone, yet you know you can never go back to the time of being an ingenue with wide-eyed wonder, curious about the world and your untainted head filled with youthful idealism, thinking that everyone is good by nature. indeed, the harder you fall, the more difficult it is to climb out of the hole. but greater challenges, as everyone knows, make you a much hardier person. tougher, stronger, wiser. but it also makes you never want to fall into a hole again.

like the pun here. from wikipedia:

In Greek mythology, Sisyphus, was a king punished in Tartarus by being cursed to roll a huge boulder up a hill, only to watch it roll down again, and to repeat this throughout eternity.

Today, Sisyphean can be used as an adjective meaning that an activity is unending and/or repetitive. It could also be used to refer to tasks that are pointless and unrewarding.

i leave you with this:

again, from pearls before swine.

it’s been 2.5 weeks, and clearly only one party is suffering. he certainly doesn’t care. and no, no more self-pity, no more ‘what if’s, and no more doing stupid things to numb the pain. he doesn’t love me, he never did love me, and he never will. i will get over you, no doubt about it. not worth it doing this for a mere male. thank you for everything la, no more hard feelings. just hope you’re happy with this la.

I’m copying snippets from the blog I used when I closed this one, and also bits from plurk/msn. Just for a resolution.

I simply do not understand the rationale of breaking up with someone but claiming to want to be with them later. Wtf? Toy ah, battery-operated, want to switch on then switch on, switch off then switch off ah? Don’t you think it’s bloody selfish? Yes as CM said, maybe it’s a meaningless struggle that might reach an irreparable state, but isn’t this an irreparable state huh? If you love someone, how can you bear to break her heart so devastatingly, how can you know that she is crying over you every single day and yet still have the heart to cut her away from your life? I know it’s not easy for you too, so why do you have to do this? I know your love for me, and I know you still love me deeply. So why torment both of us this way? And you’ve already started ignoring me! That’s your resolution to things, ain’t it. Run away, avoid! Hide under the covers and pretend things don’t exist! Fantastic. Do you seriously think that after how you hurt me, how cruel you’ve been, I’ll still want to be with you? I’m not like you, my love is not a switch that can be readily turned off and on. But I’m getting there.

I was okay, because I thought we still had December to sort things out, as our main problem was LDR. But you cancelled it. You cancelled PD, Langkawi, Genting, everything. You’re not even bloody coming back now. You did the same thing in July, then you said it was the thing you regretted the most in your life, and now you’re back to doing the exact same thing. How can people trust you? If you don’t want LDR as you claimed, then why cancel December?? You have no idea what you want. You can vacillate between her and me, want and don’t want. You have no clue what you want.

I thought perhaps I was important to you, but looks like I was wrong. I didn’t know what you were thinking in july, and I don’t know what you’re thinking now. I don’t seem important enough for you to share your thoughts with me. You’d rather hurt me time and again than make me understand why you do certain things. You always think you know what’s best for me huh? Who the fuck are you again? You’re not me, how would you know what’s best for me? You just invariably hurt me more. When i needed love, all you could do was yell at me. I don’t need a friend like you who thinks he knows everything. I don’t need you in my life. You claim to love me, but dude, actions speak louder than words. And all your actions say that you don’t give a damn about me.

I’m just disappointed that after we all that we went through, you suddenly decide we’re not worth it anymore, that our love isn’t worth it anymore. Just two more months, and now you give up.

Oh yes, I do love myself. I have such a strong pride, even L knew it since a long time ago. How long have i known you? And you actually say that i don’t love myself. You really don’t know me. It is this exact same pride that is not allowing me to get back with you, be it now, December, or beyond. July, you made mistakes. It’s okay, it was the first time, I can put up with it. But again and again. And now, after you cancelled December. This is the last straw. I won’t let you hurt me again. I have to protect myself first. You’re more than fine with it anyway.

So from your actions, I am forced to believe you never did love me at all. I am taking this to be a non-relationship, i.e. no, I never was in a relationship with you. You’re not the only one who can trivalise this, and I’m all for it. We can just pretend it never happened.

I’m okay now because of love from others. I don’t need you and your love, because I know there are still others who care for me. But it is inevitably sad, as if a loved one died. It hurts to have someone so close to your heart cut away, and I believe in grieving, but what’s more important is learning that your heart can beat on its own . If you truly love yourself, you’ll be happy regardless of whether you’re one or two. I’m happy that it happened, and I don’t regret it at all. I’m already thankful that I had a chance to love someone. Not asking for anything more. So go on ignoring me, I don’t give a shit anymore.

I’m not bitter, not anymore. It’s just kinda like it never happened, and I have awakened from my reverie.

i’m not going to pretend that it’s all okay.

it’s gonna take as long as it’s gonna take. sure it feels horrible, but there’s nothing i can do. after all we’ve been through, there’s really nothing left to say. i did try my best and there was a week when the 2-day curse didn’t exist. yet at the end of that week he chose to pull out of my life, and i have learned to accept it. i did my best and i have no regrets. this is his choice. yes i will respect it but it doesn’t mean that i am okay with it.

i for one should be familiar with the transience in life. the only constant is change. it’s just a little scary how ‘love’ can snuff out just like that. ah, c’est la vie. and you realise you never really knew the people you thought you did.

you learn to be stronger, then you find yourself being broken down, then you learn to be stronger again. but in actuality, you never learn. you keep getting sucked into this whirlpool, willingly. not the first time, never the last.

the trouble with love is.

but no matter what i do, i’ll simply smile. i am not you - i will not hide behind a smile, not anymore. that was so 2000. i will just smile when i mean it. i have no need to hide anything.

the thing about family is they never, ever stop loving you. they’re always there for you to fall back on. no matter how estranged you might be. no matter how many times you’ve screwed up.

guys are just jerks lah.

love is not about it being worth it or not. humans always think of whether something is worth my time/effort, what’s the opportunity cost, what’s in it for me, he doesn’t deserve you, you don’t deserve her… i say screw it. why must there be something “in it for me”? do mums say, if i buy my 3-year-old kid an ice-cream, maybe he won’t put me in a home for the aged 30 years later? does God say, if i bless this woman, will i get an extra $50 in tithes or she’ll do a good deed for someone else? LOVE DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY. it’s probably the only thing that can make humans this stupid, but it’s also the only thing that make humans human. it’s not about what you get back, at least not tangibly.

in canada, we went to a home to sing christmas carols. sure, i’ve had praises on my singing before, and yes i appreciate them,  but when it comes from an elderly woman in a wheelchair with tears in her eyes, struggling to get the words out, you can hardly take it lightly.

angela was so worked up after chatting with a guy staying at the home. she was on the verge of tears, probably due to her korean background. “these people actually have children; their children just don’t want them!” and “in korea they would never send their parents to a home!” this was very unstandable - visiting such places does make you realise a lot. but it wasn’t the first time for me, and perhaps my heart has been hardened, but i told her “if the children are busy, or don’t have the means to take care of their parents, then perhaps putting them under professional care will be the best, especially under pallative conditions.” but nobody would like to go to a home. no senior would like to live with other old people; in singapore the elderly mostly like to see the children and the youth, even in their neighbourhood. the government here has built these homes near schools so that schoolgoing children can do their mandatory community service there, but children often dislike seniors. myself, i can hardly claim to be detached from these people.

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diffident i will no longer be.

i remember m telling me about how l (the letter ‘l’, not I) begged her to let him go back to her. and she hated it. why should a guy beg? being the naturally antagonistic person i disagreed with her, and i said why is it a shame to want to pursue one’s own happiness, and why is it a shame to try one’s best to be with the person one loves? she didn’t reply me for a while, and then she changed subjects. i knew she agreed with me, but pride didn’t permit her to admit that.

fuck pride.

earlier tonight i sent someone an email that revealed a lot. as expected, he scoffed at me. but it’s okay. as long as i get what i want, why am i afraid of people laughing at me? they can talk/insult/laugh all they want, but they don’t know the complete picture, and they don’t want to know the complete picture. all they want is to sit in their comfort zone and bitch about every little thing. my email exposed a lot of the vulnerability i have kept hidden for months now. and i wasn’t afraid anymore to showcase these raw emotions. i am not afraid of letting the ones i love know how much i love them, and how much i need them. it is not subservient, it is not submissive, and it is definitely not stupid. it is simply heartfelt. if one who writes is afraid of exposing one’s feelings, then please take your pen and give it to someone who actually deserves to write. why, are you too chicken to identify and deal with your own feelings and emotions?

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these few days i cried a lot. when i finally thought i had decided what route i should take, it seems that someone had already decided for me, that it was not to be. don’t count your chickens before they hatch, but who says that ducks aren’t just as good, if not better than chickens? so i picked the ducks instead. i’m still lucky to be able to have ducklings even though my first choice were chicks. but after tonight i realise my first choice should have been ducklings right from the start. why would anyone think the ‘ugly’ duckling is ugly? i think it’s special.

when i was young(er - haha), i’d watch those 7pm dramas while having dinner, (my mom would always scold me because my rice would all be cold by the time 8pm rolls around.) and i thought how awful it was for a woman to give birth to a disabled (mentally or physically) kid. i know dear mrs kan would shake her head sadly and say a silent prayer for the mother and her kid, haha (mrs kan, i miss u!). as i grew older, and been to hospital and homes to do volunteer work, i think these people are really special. some time ago, i went to a friend’s family and saw a very special girl. she was very pretty, and you know she wasn’t like normal folks, but she was very endearing. it made you notice her, a little girl that you normally wouldn’t give a second glance to. it was as if she was attracting you to love her more. she would cry easily, and it really hurt to see her in pain. i wondered if i would be lucky enough to love someone in special need like her one day. always thought that having a special needs kid teaches you more about love than having a normal kid does. if i were to have a special needs kid one day, i’d thank god for choosing me to love and have such a special child. if i have the means to, i’d definitely adopt. not an exotic child for an international family unlike ms UN ambassador a.k.a. show-off, but a precious, special child.

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