ok la not dead la will update in a bit wtf.

don’t go!!!! O..O <–yay ugliest emoticon ever.

i really can’t take it anymore.

I’m copying snippets from the blog I used when I closed this one, and also bits from plurk/msn. Just for a resolution.

I simply do not understand the rationale of breaking up with someone but claiming to want to be with them later. Wtf? Toy ah, battery-operated, want to switch on then switch on, switch off then switch off ah? Don’t you think it’s bloody selfish? Yes as CM said, maybe it’s a meaningless struggle that might reach an irreparable state, but isn’t this an irreparable state huh? If you love someone, how can you bear to break her heart so devastatingly, how can you know that she is crying over you every single day and yet still have the heart to cut her away from your life? I know it’s not easy for you too, so why do you have to do this? I know your love for me, and I know you still love me deeply. So why torment both of us this way? And you’ve already started ignoring me! That’s your resolution to things, ain’t it. Run away, avoid! Hide under the covers and pretend things don’t exist! Fantastic. Do you seriously think that after how you hurt me, how cruel you’ve been, I’ll still want to be with you? I’m not like you, my love is not a switch that can be readily turned off and on. But I’m getting there.

I was okay, because I thought we still had December to sort things out, as our main problem was LDR. But you cancelled it. You cancelled PD, Langkawi, Genting, everything. You’re not even bloody coming back now. You did the same thing in July, then you said it was the thing you regretted the most in your life, and now you’re back to doing the exact same thing. How can people trust you? If you don’t want LDR as you claimed, then why cancel December?? You have no idea what you want. You can vacillate between her and me, want and don’t want. You have no clue what you want.

I thought perhaps I was important to you, but looks like I was wrong. I didn’t know what you were thinking in july, and I don’t know what you’re thinking now. I don’t seem important enough for you to share your thoughts with me. You’d rather hurt me time and again than make me understand why you do certain things. You always think you know what’s best for me huh? Who the fuck are you again? You’re not me, how would you know what’s best for me? You just invariably hurt me more. When i needed love, all you could do was yell at me. I don’t need a friend like you who thinks he knows everything. I don’t need you in my life. You claim to love me, but dude, actions speak louder than words. And all your actions say that you don’t give a damn about me.

I’m just disappointed that after we all that we went through, you suddenly decide we’re not worth it anymore, that our love isn’t worth it anymore. Just two more months, and now you give up.

Oh yes, I do love myself. I have such a strong pride, even L knew it since a long time ago. How long have i known you? And you actually say that i don’t love myself. You really don’t know me. It is this exact same pride that is not allowing me to get back with you, be it now, December, or beyond. July, you made mistakes. It’s okay, it was the first time, I can put up with it. But again and again. And now, after you cancelled December. This is the last straw. I won’t let you hurt me again. I have to protect myself first. You’re more than fine with it anyway.

So from your actions, I am forced to believe you never did love me at all. I am taking this to be a non-relationship, i.e. no, I never was in a relationship with you. You’re not the only one who can trivalise this, and I’m all for it. We can just pretend it never happened.

I’m okay now because of love from others. I don’t need you and your love, because I know there are still others who care for me. But it is inevitably sad, as if a loved one died. It hurts to have someone so close to your heart cut away, and I believe in grieving, but what’s more important is learning that your heart can beat on its own . If you truly love yourself, you’ll be happy regardless of whether you’re one or two. I’m happy that it happened, and I don’t regret it at all. I’m already thankful that I had a chance to love someone. Not asking for anything more. So go on ignoring me, I don’t give a shit anymore.

I’m not bitter, not anymore. It’s just kinda like it never happened, and I have awakened from my reverie.

I am grinning like a fool.

I don’t know why, but I am much happier than I have been for the past two weeks. Yes I know I’m typing in propers caps again. Haiya I’m erratic can! Don’t kacau. I’m over him lah don’t worry!

Gymming is so therapeutic.

I am happy, because if you don’t think, happiness is a state of mind. I was much happier in Canada than I remembered. Amidst all the problems with admin, I think I was indeed happy. Be it sitting in Lucky’s internet cafe (lol) stealing her abundant snacks or cycling to the gym and Tim Hortons or watching Juan play with sparklers to impress a girl or girls’ floor party… these are all things that I don’t think I’ll forget anytime soon. I don’t know, should I go back to visit my dearest Hollie and Julie? I need to go travelling soon lah. Am going out of my mind.

Oh yah, comments are closed (starting from the last entry) until further notice. Why ah, because I think they’re all going to be nonsensical posts like this one!

Hehehehehehehehehehehhh. Yah this girl crazy one. Just ignore. Hehehehehehehehe.

edit: bye bloggie don’t miss me. i will tweak you again after november. but i will still blog when i need you. yes i’m a fairweather friend. but you know you love me right! heheh i love you too ok i go byebye. say byebye to these silly silent readers also! bloggie: byebye!! me: byebye!! /edit

diffident i will no longer be.

i remember m telling me about how l (the letter ‘l’, not I) begged her to let him go back to her. and she hated it. why should a guy beg? being the naturally antagonistic person i disagreed with her, and i said why is it a shame to want to pursue one’s own happiness, and why is it a shame to try one’s best to be with the person one loves? she didn’t reply me for a while, and then she changed subjects. i knew she agreed with me, but pride didn’t permit her to admit that.

fuck pride.

earlier tonight i sent someone an email that revealed a lot. as expected, he scoffed at me. but it’s okay. as long as i get what i want, why am i afraid of people laughing at me? they can talk/insult/laugh all they want, but they don’t know the complete picture, and they don’t want to know the complete picture. all they want is to sit in their comfort zone and bitch about every little thing. my email exposed a lot of the vulnerability i have kept hidden for months now. and i wasn’t afraid anymore to showcase these raw emotions. i am not afraid of letting the ones i love know how much i love them, and how much i need them. it is not subservient, it is not submissive, and it is definitely not stupid. it is simply heartfelt. if one who writes is afraid of exposing one’s feelings, then please take your pen and give it to someone who actually deserves to write. why, are you too chicken to identify and deal with your own feelings and emotions?

Read the rest of this entry »

friday night. i just got off the bus at 9.30pm from singapore to kl, and was in search of a ticket from kl to penang. normally these touts would be all over the place, screaming ‘butterword‘ or ‘pinang’. for some reason, there were no such shouts on friday night (although i did hear a ‘butterword’) but they were all at 12mn. then i saw this girl who was also going to penang. “penang ada?” and i went “ooo” and decided to follow her. yes stalker much. so i followed her to different counters in pudu, then followed her across the road from pudu, and watched as she bought her ticket while planning to rob her. ok no just kidding. and i bought the ticket also lo since there really was just one bus -.- and at 35 ringgit.

i didn’t know it was the start of the school holidays in malaysia, and it was really difficult to get tickets sigh. normally it’ll be 27 ringgit for a normal coach bus to penang, but this time it was 35 ringgit for a lousy 4-seats-in-a-row bus sighhhh. which stank to high heaven. it also stopped at kota raya for an hour before even moving its sorry ass.

so anyway, we had lots of time to kill and she headed to the 24-jam kfc opposite pudu. and i followed suit. hehe. omg i am such a good stalker because she hadn’t noticed me at all :P i know this because i told her i stalked her when we were about to board the bus. i went up to her and asked “are you going to penang” lol. yes, this at the risk of seeming like an extremely psychotic stalker at 12mn at a dodgy bus station. but surprisingly she even thought it was cute (o_O the things some people find cute these days) and told her bf on the phone all about me. uhhh okay haha. it was a good ride lah; having someone to talk to on the way instead of having a lonely ride on a scary bus is so much better. hehs. and i made a new friend :D one thing i don’t understand is how we, complete strangers, can talk about everything and anything. even intimate stuff. hahah never underestimate the power of two girls.

i don’t think this was the first time i stalked someone, but er, i can’t remember the last time i did so. haih why am i so creepy!

edit:
a) i hate it how when people have a problem with me, they don’t come clean. instead, i’m left to wonder what i did wrong, and why this happened. i’m really sick of all these. i’d very much rather you spit it in my face than talk about me behind my back. especially since i really like you a lot. i’m sorry i did what i did. what’s the use of bottling up all that hate? why can’t you just address your grievances with the person you have a bone to pick with and give him/her the chance to defend him/herself?

b) please don’t hear things and assume them to be true. what happened to something called brains? i know who you’re talking about, but i don’t know why you think she’s me. i don’t know how it happened, but i think it’s got something to do with what l said, and also your own jumping to conclusions. i understand where you’re coming from, but coming from someone your age, i would think you would know what graciousness means.

c) you’re pretty and have a good voice and you might be a wonderful girl, i don’t know, but i’m sorry that this had to happen with a stranger. i hate all your drama and i hate to be caught up in all of it. you seem like a nice enough person, but all that you do just screams immaturity, ingratitude and ignorance. little miss caught-up-in-her-own-world, i never wanted to have anything to do with you.

d) i’m sorry the difference in concepts of ‘like’ and ‘love’ are so foreign to you. so many things have happened and although i call you a jerk, i still believe that underneath it all, you’re a good person. i do love you as a friend, dearly, but it’s impossible for me to even like you anymore. all along i’ve treated you as a younger brother, being influenced by your cousin. in my eyes, you are her are perfect, and if anything, i wished nothing better than for you both to continue being together. indeed, perhaps i never really knew you. i’m sorry you had to change. too many people, too many lies, too many times.

e) whatever lah. i want nothing to do with you or your family anymore, all three hundred and fifty of them. it’s been very tiring can. you’re the one i’m hurting the most, you’re the one i regret hurting the most. but unfortunately i don’t have a say in this. you know me, you know i will not accept this with a clear conscience. something has to be sacrificed, everyone has a price to pay. although it’s really not your fault, i never pulled you into this. it’s just too bad you had to be sucked into this evil tornado of deceit, lies and betrayal. you’re one i never wanted to lose, but had to anyway.
/edit

It’s Saturday evening and I’m sitting at home, alone of course, facing the whitewashed walls and forcing myself to actually read some Biology which I don’t even remember studying. I must have, or I wouldn’t have passed my exams, but hell, I have no recollection at all. Even if I did, that was a long time ago. So anyway, I’m wiping my tears and trying to make some sense of everything. The last time I spoke to someone was like 3 minutes ago, on the phone, and the last time I saw someone was about 4 hours ago. Still I feel incredibly lonely. I want someone to talk to, and although Tilly said yesterday she’d always be there for me and a few other people around have said the same, it’s difficult to find someone who can truly understand. I need a good confidante but my friends are so far away from me. Lucky still shouts ‘Where the hell are you’ as a greeting every time we’re on MSN, and 843262 other people keep asking me ‘So, where are you today?’

The counsellor, I think, is fed up with me too, because I’m so obstinate. I did take her advice and go to the beach to chill, though, and that was fine and dandy. But still, I think the problem lies with being alone. I’m getting cranky, yelling at my loved ones over the phone, getting upset at the landlord’s refusal to pay for the broken stuff in the apartment, getting frustrated at: black spots in my white T-shirts from the wash, dead bugs that fly in and the incessant praying that happens like 5, 6 times a day. Of course, there’re tonnes of work to be done and I really don’t feel like doing any of it. I shouldn’t have unplugged the TV, but then Malaysian TV isn’t that exciting, is it? Perhaps I should go live with Akiko Sensei or something if I didn’t think it’ll be that awkward. I do love her and Japanese lessons though. L

My dear Chang Noi See Som has been really nice though! Love you; thank you for keeping me sane. Of course, thanks also to a certain person who tried to prank call me but sucked so badly. I can’t believe my alcohol tolerance has suffered so much – but hahaha at least I’m not like CNSS who is allergic to alcohol and refused to drink any despite temptation last night.

Thailand will be good for me and my sanity, although I’m not too thrilled about going to Bangkok so early. Really look forward to see P’ Jang and go to Ayutthaya with her! My plans for sightseeing have been dashed, and I just found out I’m not able to go for the Conference thing in December, so I guess I really have no fate with Bangkok. I don’t know what Chiang Rai will be like. I think the people there will be vastly different, although P’ Nui says there are lots of Chinese there. I’m scared, this time, I am. I don’t know why, but there’s this inexplicable trepidation and unfounded ominent foreboding. It’s probably just nerves, but I have no idea what I’m nervous for.

Maybe I should just stop trying because I’m clearly not cut out for this. So much for changing direction. I still end up at square zero, Lord. I wish I could just die a slob because now I’m a slob dying to not be one and really dying in the process. How can I be a slob and still answer to my conscience? I hate how people say that I’m under immense pressure because it really is not easy to make the transition, how it’s not easy to live alone, how it’s not easy to work and study at the same time, even though it’s true. I refuse to admit to my shortcomings and perhaps that will really be the death of me. My toilet light is flickering unevenly and it’s giving me the creeps. Okay now that was random.

I miss everyone. I need to talk to someone before I go mad, literally. This is the epitome of a sad, distressed life. Dwindling away, alone in a foreign land, without a penny to my name and still bills to pay, laundry to iron, and living each day without a general purpose.

Screw it, I’m gonna get dinner and a few DVDs from the night market downstairs. Bah to Biology.

It’s been a few weeks now since I moved here. It’s utterly boring and lonely living alone. Travelling alone is one thing, being on your own is a different issue. Not that I want to constantly go out and have fun, but sometimes it’s really tough not having someone to talk to, which of course, explains why the value of my prepaid card is depleting at such a rate. Sanity is at stake, here! Another concern is food. I can’t cook to save my life, in fact, sometimes it’s the complete opposite. Once again, people have been persuading me to ‘eat fish or chicken” and sorry, my answer is still no. I have to admit, it was more tempting back in Singapore than it is here. I love my cousins for being so supportive :)

I need to start setting boundaries for myself. Can’t let myself get out of line again. Please, this time, don’t let your heart rule over your head. But I think I’ve let practicality take control of me already :(

Short post today… I’m just so happy to be able to say ‘at least I tried’. Lord, the rest is in Your hands. Bloody lot of work to do - practise my song (hell lot of vocalising), get books, applications for everything, essays to be written etc. Can’t wait for Thailand in about 2 weeks!

Please answer my email!

I don’t know how I went off tangent and completely missed out my point I was supposed to make with the last post. It’s about being afraid. I’ve always wanted to become vegetarian; not that I have some big heart for animals - in contrast, I believe survival of the fittest is a way of life. I believe that humans are omnivorous for a reason, and as civilised beings, we have a choice to make as to what we put in our mouths, and also what we should and shouldn’t do (do not judge me on my beliefs - everyone’s are different). Why have I, then, waited so long to give up meat? One word - fear. I’m 18 years old, still dependent on my parents and as my mum says of her childhood, “when I was young, nobody taught of turning vegetarian. If there was even food, we’d be satisfied.” I was a difficult enough child. Even now, my mum doesn’t like me not eating meat, much less in the past when she used to go after me with a cane (which I think stifled my individualism and free-thinking a little, but that is too much of a digression). Back to fear. I have been afraid of bringing trouble to others. As I mentioned in the last post, P’Som had to eat two plates of food, and before that, we had to find some place that actually sold vegetable dishes. I’ve found that I’ve brought quite a lot of trouble to people. L is not very happy with my giving up meat, I had to turn down my Thai mum’s invitation to dinner, Penang-ites have brought me all over the place only to find out that I can’t eat anything (not Nasi Kandar, not lok lok, not Penang laksa, the list goes on), my dad has brought me to different places in search of meatless foods. It’s scary how reliant we are on meats, be it chicken, fish, pork, beef, mutton. or duck.

I’ve been told off for being afraid to trouble people, most prominently in 2002, where this guy shouted in my face and later threatened me with a penknife. Doesn’t seem to help. In Thailand, I’ve refused offers to ride pillion on motorbikes not because I’m scared about it being dangerous (I actually want to learn how to ride a motorbike), but because I’m concious of my weight. Even after Elaine told me that people there were used to 2 or 3 people riding pillion, I still don’t want to. After a performance in Kuantan once, I was wandering the streets alone at about 1am, and had only minimal Bahasa. My arms were full of posters, flowers and gifts, and my bag full of CDs and costumes. I was enquiring about a taxi to rush to the bus station, and this Malay woman whom I could hardly communicate with took me on her bike, and although I was ‘normal’ then, I still felt that I had inconvenienced her tremendously. I hate being unable to help, but I hate inconveniencing people even more. I remember P’Goi telling me about confidence, and that’s scary because I haven’t had someone talk to me about confidence since 2002. I think for me, it’s more of self-value that I lack. I keep thinking that I’m not worth it, and Sarah’s done way too much work with me on that, but still, I’m hopeless. Only I can make myself feel that I’m actually of some worth, and I’m not there yet. Other people don’t influence me a lot, but that is both an advantage(having my own mind, not being swayed/brainwashed easily etc) and a disadvantage(stubborn, not easily motivated etc).

One mistake I made was to tell Elaine my age in the first email. I didn’t expect it to be that big of a deal, and only included it because some organisations don’t accept people below a certain age. I felt so protected by all the ‘big sisters and brothers’ who really weren’t very much older. Granted, I know where Elaine was coming from, especially since *hello* I’m Singaporean, and I appreciate that, but I really just wanted to be one of them, not a little kid who needs to be taken care of. People like Off and Benz, and P’Wood, of course, were all my age, but they were all streetsmart, unlike Singaporeans my age (much less Canadians, sorry!) or really, my social class. Volunteering often gives one a sense of being of a higher class than those you reach out to, and that’s something I’ve been trying to tackle for a long time now. It’s difficult not being elitist, especially if you look at the groups I’ve been thrown into so far. (It doesn’t help that philosophers are bloody arrogant saviour-of-the-world shit.) I think I do see them as equals, pretty much, but when I interact with the farangs(not just in Thailand), it’s quite obvious that they think we’re beneath them. Pride and prejudice much? Or should I say White Man’s Burden? Age is just a number, really.

My last week in Thailand was quite horrible, really. I didn’t do much the entire week as I had gotten sick. My head was heavy and dizzy, my respiratory tract was all clogged up, and my throat felt like it was constantly under attack. I sounded like a man and my vision consisted of people swirling about. The day before I left, I went to Home & Life to say my goodbyes to the kids, and also give them the gifts that I brought from Singapore (which is justification for my numerous bags okay!) and also those I bought in Khao Lak. I asked Rhi if she wanted to go too, for she didn’t really say goodbye as well. She mentioned that she did not want to get upset, or get the kids upset, and that is a very valid reason, of course, but to me, I’d rather be upset than have regrets. Life is too short not to experience the full range of human emotions, and it is even shorter to have any regrets. In the past, I was quite stony - no tears, making others cry - being an emotionless meanass in short. In recent years, I’ve discovered my own tear ducts, and somehow the waterworks have been quite steadfast. I don’t think crying’s childish - I’d rather have emotions that bottle them inside unhealthily - in fact, I think crying’s brought a whole new dimension to me. It made me realise my vulnerability, how my priorities have changed, and it made me realise what is important to me. And I am afraid of losing them. I think I’ve become more human, although I still retain some of my detached-ness.

Regrets. Some people don’t dare to do certain things because they’re afraid. Some people don’t dare to live, for they’re afraid of shame, or of losing their pride. Some people don’t dare to give, for they’re afraid they will get nothing in return. Some people don’t dare to love, for they’re afraid of their past, or of their future.They’re unable to be like teenagers, carelessly unthinking of the future, unable to invest their love without fear of being ruthlessly thrown to the ground again, without fear of not having a future. “Why love when love hurts, why love when love ends? … It ends with the pain, and the making amends; why love when there’s peace, in the making of friends?” Do you know what I think about that? I say, screw it. If you’re just going to think of the end product, you’re missing out. Sometimes you just have to be selfish and follow your heart. A relationship is mutually parasitic, but the happy times do outweigh the bitterness. But sometimes, it’s easier to dish out advice than to take it in.

Perhaps fasting is not my only reason to give up meat, but, frankly, to me, religion is also improving myself spiritually and as a whole. Last year I gave up MSN messenger. The year before, lunch (with the donation of lunch money to charity). This year, it’s meat. Similarly, I also want to volunteer somewhere every year. Thailand this year, hopefully somewhere else in Asia again next year (if my plans go well), before I move on to some other part of the world after that. I think I’ve fallen in love with volunteering - it’s difficult not to. I might just do a TEFL course next year, if I’m not too tied up. One of the reasons that compelled me to return to Khao Lak was the overwhelming feeling that there was so much to do and I had done so little. To borrow a quote from Nimesh, it does feel like my work is not completed just yet. But to me, my work will never be done. There is so much to do all over the world, in every city, in every street. There is only so much we can do, but if we don’t help our fellow man, no one will help us. I’m lucky to have such a good education and giving back to society is the least I can do.

On my first day of school, a Taiwanese guy asked me why I chose Penang instead of Kuala Lumpur, and I was stumped momentarily. I started to agree with him - KL is the big city, and it’s so convenient there. Haven’t I been citing inconvenience as a reason for disliking Canada? I’ve always told myself that L, did not, in any way, influence my decision to move back, but although I did, I did not pick what seemed like that natural choice, Kuala Lumpur. Perhaps I really want to put an end once and for all. (Then why did you choose Malaysia, my dear girl?) I hate my inner voice. Anyway, he was a big part of my life for three years, but that’s done now. I’ve moved on, and I hope he will too.

Inconvenience. Referring to the inability to move around (transport-wise), inconvenience has a lot of significance to me, almost paralleling to freedom. In Canada, I was a caged bird, and things only improved when I got a bicycle. In Thailand, I didn’t like to hitch-hike, and it felt horrible getting someone to drive me to TVC and back. I felt so bad when P’Kaew ’scolded’ P’Woody for picking me up from Jerung, as well as when Loong Ken had to drive us to Koh Nok School and then rush off to Ban Sak School. Plus of course, countless times getting a lift from TVC to town, or from Lazy House to TVC. Doesn’t help when the Thai team reminds you that the volunteers used to drive themselves to the schools and back. It feels terrible having to depend on others. Here in Penang, I hate the fact that I live a distance away from town, so it’s difficult having to get groceries or getting to Deutsch class. It doesn’t help that taxi fares are exorbitent here. (Plus that taxi driver today was getting a little too friendly for my comfort (more details in my livejournal) , so that further reinforces my desire to learn to drive and also to ride a motorbike.) I know I shouldn’t go against people I love, but sorry mum, I need to find my own independence and as well as I understand your rationale and where you’re coming from, please do try to understand mine as well. I do appreciate your protectivity, but I need to try to break away from that shelter of being a spoilt brat that has no survival skills whatsoever. Please don’t even get me started on not knowing how to cook. I don’t want to be a pampered kid that can’t take hardship. I’m living on my own, I crave independence, please just let me. It’s funny how we laugh at cliches about what growing up encompasses, and how we think that that would never happen to us, and yet it does. Generation gap, anyone?