life has somehow gotten so wretched these days.

no more. no more problems, no more troubles, no more worries, no more pining. i don’t want to hurt you any further. sunday night scared me. i have never witnessed a grown man cry so bitterly in my entire life. i heard the sound of his heart breaking. it was more chilling than glass, more brittle than eggshells, sharper than a dagger, and yet my heart breathed its last before his did.

have you ever cried so hard it feels like your head’s either about to cave in or burst out? like nothing in the world matters anymore. your breathing is short and rapid, and you’re gasping for breath like you’re drowning. drowning in a goldfish bowl, in a world of suffocation and low oxygen levels. you’re more than overwhelmed. you’re struggling for air in an oxygen-deprived world, where everyone’s face is blue and blood no longer flows.

never have i felt so betrayed, so hurt, so angry, so frustrated, so sad. and i can no longer face you.

i don’t know how she can take my trust, manipulate my faith and destroy her friends who have known her since she was four.

but it’s okay. it’s over, and i will put it behind me. for i am stronger than that. to be honest i’ve had enough of malaysia. even though kl is my first choice, i think i would really rather go to australia now. as sian says, there’s really no place else in the world that people [in the service sector] will actually do that. i’ve had enough living in a place where consumers are treated so poorly. if singapore is not a gracious society, then malaysia is far, far worse. maybe i’ve just gotten used to the sweet nature of canadians or the english. well maybe not all english *ahem ahem*

i’ve been writing, but of late i’ve been writing in so many different places it’s a little hard to catch up. anyway. it’s time to get into the groove. from now on, life’s gonna get exciting :) can’t wait for school to be out. 2008 promises plenty, and i intend to squeeze it for all it’s worth.

i miss you lord. please lead me back to you. you’ll still always be my numero uno.

Through every argument, through every difference of opinion I have with others, I find out a bit more about myself. Or rather another part of myself is shaped. & I love it. That was why I love debating issues so much. But as one ages, one has to learn social skills, and not contend strongly like an uncivilised peasant. Yet sometimes, you just can’t help yourself.
Perhaps I can argue that I am sometimes too passionate about things ;) I just wish I didn’t have to hurt people in the process.

I made a decision today, and it being the first day, it was difficult. But this time I am determined to stick to it. I shouldn’t continue being so selfish. Oh yes, I am in Taiwan now. (First day. Just came back from Rao He Night Market. It seems like everyone is in Taiwan this holiday.) Which reminds me that I have so much to blog about - I don’t think I even got around to blogging about Chiang Rai, which btw, was fabulous.

KL was fantastic - loved meeting up with my cousins, and even though I had a colossal stomachache on the last day. Got my J.Co donuts, tried my hand at Archery (3 bulleyes - talk about beginner’s luck), watched Golden Compass & Alvin and the Chipmunks, went for a medical talk, had Vietnamese, helped my cousin get shoes+clutch bag for her prom… had a great time catching up. Experienced yet another bout of kindness from Malaysians. Oh oh oh, I have a new housemate!! Heheh I love Chien <3 She’s awesome and I didn’t expect us to actually get along haha. I hope we can have minimal conflicts (crossing fingers)!

Look forward to seeing more of Taiwan’s jewels tomorrow. Speaking to the locals made me change accent again, and I am reminded of YB. I miss YB. I hope he’s doing well. We didn’t really talk much towards the end of the year last year, and I kind of regret that. I miss the people I met in Canada. 2007 has been full of emotions, experiences and memories, but also filled with longing too. I’m grateful for those pangs of longing though, because it means our shared moments actually meant something to me. 2007 has been such a long year, I’m almost glad it’s ending. Even though January invariably means exams.

Christmas is coming! The birthday of Christ can never be a bad thing :) Yet this year’s Christmas will be bittersweet for me, and I might elaborate on that at a later date. For now, hasta luego.

The morning breeze is just awesome. It reminds me of my childhood days when we used to go downstairs to cycle or just frolick on the grass just next to the block of flats where I lived. To me the breeze is associated with a certain innocence and relaxation from that period of time. I feel at peace.

Milly just left about 10 minutes ago, and it was nice having a friend sleep over, although I’m not a good host. Sure, we’re close and all, but it’s difficult to tell her things sometimes, just because we’re so different. Trust. Someone smsed me today and said she was disappointed that I didn’t trust (them), and I felt really hurt by that. I really did like her a lot. Maybe I still can’t trust. Maybe I still can’t love. I did what I had to do yesterday; something I had been putting off just because I could, and the feeling was horrible.

I can’t believe how much I can’t share anymore. I thought I had become better at opening up. I still suck horribly. Peace? Maybe, maybe not.

Miss my family so much. Especially my father whom I haven’t seen in months now. It’s been crazy. I need to start writing again. No matter how worthless my thoughts are, no matter how short I write. Just start and keep going.

I don’t know anything anymore. I don’t know what to do, what to think, what to feel. I just know that I haven’t stopped thinking about you. Not every day, not every minute, but every damned second. You used to tell me how you dreamt about me, and I would have nothing to say. Maybe it’s because I don’t dream or can’t remember my dreams, but I know you’ve always loved me more than I loved you. Last night, I don’t know if I dreamt of you, but I know that I kept waking up throughout the night and you were all that I saw in my head. Nothing seems to matter anymore.

“… coming from you, it’s so different from other people. It hurts so badly.” I will always remember the anguish in your voice, the pain that I felt at that moment, and the knowledge that you must have been hurting so much more than I did. But all I’ve done is worsen this pain, haven’t I? You keep saying no one understands, and you know what, I do. I do, but I have to say I don’t, and make you see things from the viewpoint of what you should do. But who am I to tell you what you should do? I can’t even say where I should go from here. All my life I’ve been trying to do what’s best for others. But like what you said, who am I to know what’s best for you? Don’t you know what’s best for yourself? The mutual friend also asked: “But then why do you want to make yourself so miserable? I guess you’re sad for *******, not for yourself. Since you care for everyone.” You said too, why don’t I think for myself? Why do I care so much about others and not about myself? That makes me cry because I don’t have an answer to that. I don’t know why I just cannot love you and not think about anything else. You tell me love is selfish. Please tell me how to be more selfish. Either way, I hurt someone, don’t I? How do I minimise the pain? And why do I still care????

I miss you, and I’m sorry I had to let you go. I know I’ll be regretting it – I am already. Times like this I just need someone to tell me what to do. I don’t know anymore. I don’t want to make another move and hurt you again. There are so many things that you don’t know about that are holding me back. All you’ve been is honest with me, and all I’ve done is hide things from you. If I can’t be honest with you, I can’t love you, for my heart is restricted; that wouldn’t be fair to you. You asked me once why you’re so unworthy of my love and affection, and fact is, I’m the one who’s unworthy of your love. I truly am.

All along you’ve been telling me how I affect you, but as I told you, I can’t affect you without you affecting me. And you don’t know how much you have. Every time I tell you a little, you’d go “that’s so sweet”, and I’d think: “What are you talking about man… look who’s talking. Plus, you don’t know the half of it”. I’ll miss your laughter, the way you say ‘what the hell’, the way I make you go ‘no no no’ and regret what you said, your smses, and so much more. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t force you to do what you know is impossible, for it wouldn’t be fair, to me, to you, to her. I know it hurts you, and I will never know how much. It’s not right of me to remedy my mistake by making you feel more pain.

I need to learn how to trust, how to have faith in another human being, how to love without thinking too much. Until then, I can only apologise.

Happiness is what we can find in a a silver spoon and while it teeters on the edge of spilling out, we know that we can grasp it so long as we try hard enough. I like happiness because it brings warmth and comfort. But happiness is a self-delusion if we think too much, and only a genuine state of mind if we don’t think at all.

In some sense yes, perhaps beauty is personified only by suffering, hurt and pain. So does that mean we choose to be either happy or beautiful? Some people spend all their lives wishing they were beautiful, letting their happiness leak away from their fingertips. Some people spend all their lives wishing they were happy, and the beauty drains out of their faces. It’s choosing between the lesser of two evils. If neither beauty nor happiness can bring us contentment, does that make ugliness and unhappiness a more feasible state to regress to?

Opportunity cost. If the opportunity cost of beauty is happiness, then which brings greater utility? According to the diminishing law of marginal utility, too much beauty will give us less utility, less happiness. We contemplate whether utility is happiness. If too much happiness brings us less utility, but utility = happiness, then we are faced with a paradox too complicated to decipher.

Moral of the story: life is a huge paradox. Then there’s probably no point living, because a paradox is a trap - the left will lead to the right, and the front will lead to the back, and ultimately we realise we have not moved one step from where we were standing in the beginning.

My happiness is derived from a state of alienation - but a serene tranquil type, not one of loneliness and desertion. Yet my happiness is not complete without you. There’s acid biting away at my insides with every pang, every yearn, every desire. It’s wrong to miss you, the voice in my head says, it’s wrong to try to cling on to every little bit of you I have left, especially what I did to you. I haven’t been meaning to miss you, truly.

Every time I tread the line, there’re invisible nylon threads pulling me back into the undisturbed state of solitude. It is this stable form that encompasses me into the vacuum and it is here that we can examine the science of love under our bell-jars - undisturbed and free from turbulence. But can I really treat my heart like a specimen, with the microscope light glaring it in the face? I cannot explain why I love you, but I do, I do, I do. Yet I do not have the right to, nor do I want to.

There’s no way being rational about this, I can feel myself falling and falling into a bottomless abyss and yet I consciously make no effort to hang onto the crevices. I do not wish to melodramatise this, but perhaps I think better in extremes. I’ve always attempted to arrange my life in straight lines, employ cost-benefit analysis for everything, but sometimes scientific and mathematical methods fall short of quantifying it.

I am not worth the love, the cherishing, the treasuring, simply because I am lacking in decision, in faith, and in trust - but the beauty of everything is that God is still there assigning value to the worthless.

As much as we forget people, they never becoming a passing cloud, much less this special person. I’ve always felt a connection from the very beginning, and was intrigued in the most bizarre way in the beginning. It is funny looking back on that, because I have forgotten. And yet when someone makes a conscious decision to leave your life, there’s nothing you can do about it. It just feels awfully empty, a huge part of yourself discarded in the storm outside, with the rain pelting you, the thunder shouting at you and the wind striking you into the very depth of your bones. I’ve been both the discarder and the discardee, and the former hurts more, really.

I would say “save me”, but I don’t think I want to. Happiness is really what you make of it, and if I have happiness in missing you and waiting for you, so be it.

When you have once seen the glow of happiness on the face of a beloved person, you know that a man can have no vocation but to awaken that light on the faces surrounding him; and you are torn by the thought of the unhappiness and night you cast, by the mere fact of living, in the hearts you encounter.
- Albert Camus