WTF MY KNEE/LEG/THIGH IS NOT YOUR FUCKING HAND KEEP YOUR FUCKING ERECTION TO YOURSELF I SWEAR IF I EVER SEE YOU AGAIN THE ONLY THING YOUR FUCKING DICK IS GONNA RUB AGAINST IS THE BLADE OF MY SUPER SHARP SCISSORS FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!

i feel like amputating my leg wtf excuse me imma go puke my lunchner out

i told myself i couldn’t have such hatred, but perhaps the only way to really get over someone is to hate that person. it’s okay. once i get over him i’ll forget him and i’ll lose the hatred too. no i’m not bitter. it’s just like being annoyed and angry and then being a bitch and scolding someone, my forte. after that you don’t remember it anymore, because it’s not even worth the 2mb in your brain.

from breaking hearts to two-timing to toying with feelings - what is he not capable of? he is not the least bothered about hurting others. why did i get so sad over this kind of man??? pffft. not worth my time or tears or heart. guys are adept at being jerksfuckers, and you can never believe what a man tells you, not one word. some things he repeated all the time, and thankfully i heard but i didn’t listen. but i’m not mad because he doesn’t want me. it’s the way he handled things after that.

this is what you wanted, isn’t it? for me to hate you. now your wish is granted, so go sleep in peace. you obviously don’t care about how others feel. and today you confirmed what i’ve always suspected. but no worries, i can play this game too. i must have been crazy to imagine being with you in the long run. look at how you handle things. close your eyes, pretend it’s not there, hide under mommy’s skirt eh? this kind of guy cannot handle any sort of responsibility, because all he’ll do is shirk it and then swept the mess under the carpet.

i know you don’t love me because someone who loves me would never want me in this state. in this fucked up state i’ve been for the past 2.5 weeks. and no, not one are you ok? or i’m sorry to hurt you like this but instead, he’s the one getting angry and then ignoring me altogether. he doesn’t give a flying fuck to any consequences, now or then. it doesn’t concern him anymore and thus it’s none of his business, selfish bastard. he can be hypocritical and delete my little harmless facebook comment that was made in good humour, ignore me for 2 weeks now, and yet pretends he still cares. hahahaha don’t make my toes laugh.

yes it’s a painful lesson and also a long, costly mistake. haha cynical me actually taking that leap of faith, and then ending up with another battlewound. how not to be jaded, you tell me? do you remember july where you supposedly were making the right choices for me? what gives you the right to know what’s best for me? you make the right choice for yourself. i made that mistake so many times, thinking it’s the best for you. how did you feel? whatever it is, it doesn’t matter anymore. as long as you’re happy this way, i’ll accept it.

—————-

all that was written last night. i didn’t want to post this at first, but why should i self-censor on my blog? now i’m feeling quite blasé. maybe everything was just a cruel joke. maybe his sis told him to ignore me or he never did love me right from the beginning. maybe he’s got another girl in his arms and is laughing at me right now. maybe his objective is to make me hate him. no matter the reason, bottom line is, he wants nothing to do with me anymore. so all i can do now is respect that :)

i know it’s gonna take time, but it’s stupid not moving on when he already has. i don’t think he’s ever loved me, if his actions are anything to go by. from april all the way to june, then july, then october. yes it’s my fault for being indecisive and mean, but he’s also to blame for being the spineless guy who doesn’t know what he wants. not like he treated me very well either. i believe that he never did love me to begin with, and i was just being an idiot. but mpr, it’s over, damage done, just do damage control now. not too late; never too late.

molly cheers me up :) princess and the queen! (from facebook)

i love the drum drum molly. she looks like a teardrop fifa with her reddened cheeks and pouted lips! so adorable~ and yea, i kinda feel you right now =’)

this is the classic molly the painter! hauntingly beautiful, no? i think she’s akin to a clown. clowns are meant to be funny, but the result? some find them scary, some love the harlequin. for me it’s a mixture of both, and that is definitely intriguing. it reminds me of plath and her bees. morbid fascination.

listening to penny tai and aiza segurra on my ipod also makes me feel at peace. and maybe i feel a little weak due to my giddiness, but i’ve never been frail. i’ve always been radiant, healthy, sunkissed. and i know this is not going to last. no more crying until i feel like i have epilepsy. no need for referrals to neurologists. inner strength, inner peace, god’s love, fantastic friends, more than sufficient. oh, and a little chocolate won’t do any harm :)

yes, when i think of him my heart hurts. i can’t seem to bring myself to hate him. all i’m left with is an overwhelming sense of sadness and disappointment. perhaps it was inevitable; something had to be done, and he decided to be the baddie. i understand that. but he had gone ahead and decided to give up completely. when did our love become not worth it anymore? i thought i meant more to you. so yes, if he can be so heartless, i’d rather believe he didn’t love me in the first place.

to be fair, i know why his reasons for not wanting me. sick of the want-don’t-want, the vacillations. what i don’t know, is his reason for ignoring me. maybe to make me give up. s, you still don’t understand me huh. remember there was once i ignored you for three days and you were dying already? what makes you think i am any different? but you can be so much meaner than i am. girls are so stupid. nice girls are always doormats. and then guys just treat them like, well, doormats. i find myself smiling as i type all these. which is weird =.= but it’s good. simply smiles. my tears might flow but i am still smiling. because i know, and i understand. when one party decides he/she wants out, the other one can really do nothing but wish him/her all the best :)

plato thinks that people want to get out of the cave, but a lot of people would rather not expose themselves to the world outside, like how people refuse to fall in love, in fear of having their heart trampled upon. and yet others are thankful for their experiences. it’s a kind of bittersweet feeling, when you are both grateful that god arranged for you to fall so deeply in love with someone, yet you know you can never go back to the time of being an ingenue with wide-eyed wonder, curious about the world and your untainted head filled with youthful idealism, thinking that everyone is good by nature. indeed, the harder you fall, the more difficult it is to climb out of the hole. but greater challenges, as everyone knows, make you a much hardier person. tougher, stronger, wiser. but it also makes you never want to fall into a hole again.

like the pun here. from wikipedia:

In Greek mythology, Sisyphus, was a king punished in Tartarus by being cursed to roll a huge boulder up a hill, only to watch it roll down again, and to repeat this throughout eternity.

Today, Sisyphean can be used as an adjective meaning that an activity is unending and/or repetitive. It could also be used to refer to tasks that are pointless and unrewarding.

i leave you with this:

again, from pearls before swine.

it’s been 2.5 weeks, and clearly only one party is suffering. he certainly doesn’t care. and no, no more self-pity, no more ‘what if’s, and no more doing stupid things to numb the pain. he doesn’t love me, he never did love me, and he never will. i will get over you, no doubt about it. not worth it doing this for a mere male. thank you for everything la, no more hard feelings. just hope you’re happy with this la.

I’m copying snippets from the blog I used when I closed this one, and also bits from plurk/msn. Just for a resolution.

I simply do not understand the rationale of breaking up with someone but claiming to want to be with them later. Wtf? Toy ah, battery-operated, want to switch on then switch on, switch off then switch off ah? Don’t you think it’s bloody selfish? Yes as CM said, maybe it’s a meaningless struggle that might reach an irreparable state, but isn’t this an irreparable state huh? If you love someone, how can you bear to break her heart so devastatingly, how can you know that she is crying over you every single day and yet still have the heart to cut her away from your life? I know it’s not easy for you too, so why do you have to do this? I know your love for me, and I know you still love me deeply. So why torment both of us this way? And you’ve already started ignoring me! That’s your resolution to things, ain’t it. Run away, avoid! Hide under the covers and pretend things don’t exist! Fantastic. Do you seriously think that after how you hurt me, how cruel you’ve been, I’ll still want to be with you? I’m not like you, my love is not a switch that can be readily turned off and on. But I’m getting there.

I was okay, because I thought we still had December to sort things out, as our main problem was LDR. But you cancelled it. You cancelled PD, Langkawi, Genting, everything. You’re not even bloody coming back now. You did the same thing in July, then you said it was the thing you regretted the most in your life, and now you’re back to doing the exact same thing. How can people trust you? If you don’t want LDR as you claimed, then why cancel December?? You have no idea what you want. You can vacillate between her and me, want and don’t want. You have no clue what you want.

I thought perhaps I was important to you, but looks like I was wrong. I didn’t know what you were thinking in july, and I don’t know what you’re thinking now. I don’t seem important enough for you to share your thoughts with me. You’d rather hurt me time and again than make me understand why you do certain things. You always think you know what’s best for me huh? Who the fuck are you again? You’re not me, how would you know what’s best for me? You just invariably hurt me more. When i needed love, all you could do was yell at me. I don’t need a friend like you who thinks he knows everything. I don’t need you in my life. You claim to love me, but dude, actions speak louder than words. And all your actions say that you don’t give a damn about me.

I’m just disappointed that after we all that we went through, you suddenly decide we’re not worth it anymore, that our love isn’t worth it anymore. Just two more months, and now you give up.

Oh yes, I do love myself. I have such a strong pride, even L knew it since a long time ago. How long have i known you? And you actually say that i don’t love myself. You really don’t know me. It is this exact same pride that is not allowing me to get back with you, be it now, December, or beyond. July, you made mistakes. It’s okay, it was the first time, I can put up with it. But again and again. And now, after you cancelled December. This is the last straw. I won’t let you hurt me again. I have to protect myself first. You’re more than fine with it anyway.

So from your actions, I am forced to believe you never did love me at all. I am taking this to be a non-relationship, i.e. no, I never was in a relationship with you. You’re not the only one who can trivalise this, and I’m all for it. We can just pretend it never happened.

I’m okay now because of love from others. I don’t need you and your love, because I know there are still others who care for me. But it is inevitably sad, as if a loved one died. It hurts to have someone so close to your heart cut away, and I believe in grieving, but what’s more important is learning that your heart can beat on its own . If you truly love yourself, you’ll be happy regardless of whether you’re one or two. I’m happy that it happened, and I don’t regret it at all. I’m already thankful that I had a chance to love someone. Not asking for anything more. So go on ignoring me, I don’t give a shit anymore.

I’m not bitter, not anymore. It’s just kinda like it never happened, and I have awakened from my reverie.

someone told me my blog was very wordy. eh hello how long have u been reading my blog ah mister? now then you realise i’m wordy, a bit too late eh? didn’t know you were that slow >D anyway yeah i’m wordy. that’s me. can’t help it. have been writing like this since 2001.

i’m getting really, really irritated with someone else. there’s no right for you to attack/insult/criticise me when i don’t want to do things your way. i have a choice and please respect that fact. don’t think you know what’s best for me because you clearly don’t. and this isn’t even teenage angst, dearie. you need to respect others before others can respect you. why do older people always think they’ve learnt enough and are always right? these people are the saddest kinds of adults, really.

finally got my lazy ass down to the post office to get the package. i got the pink card last week (but stamped 23 april) and it states that it would be returned to the seller in 15 days. in malay. which i had to get my flatmate to translate for me. anyway today was the 16th day = =” not my fault lah i didn’t know government buildings don’t open every first and last saturday of the month. i smsed s and said i wouldn’t be able to get it in time and he said “it’s okay. when i get it back i’ll send it again.” wtf you got too much money ar?? but okay lah make me feel guilty only. so i got it lo. thanks a lot la =) will let you know how it is when i try it out hehs.

sorry i fell asleep watching iron man. not that the movie was bad or anything; i wouldn’t know, but i think it was the medication i took this morning!! okay.. sorry lah. don’t angry :D sigh that wasn’t the bad part. the bad part is……. i am back to being a mushroom. as in mushroom head T_T tell you ah, i am never letting guys cut my hair ever again. they are so rough my poor scalp must sayang now tsk. i don’t think i’ve ever had a guy cut my hair… other than those normal er, effeminate types. seriously they are the best hairdressers. ok la so no more guy hairdressers unless they’re effeminate. pfft. ok this is going to sound really really sad, but i beat my highscore on tetris twice (level 18, 10k+!) while i had my hair done. sigh why am i so loser-ish?

and i’m kinda obsessed with dogs right now. anyone who knows me will know that i’ve hated dogs for quite a while. but webcamming with jy today, seeing her wtfexpensiveSGD1k dog just made me want a dog so badly. but then i’ve always thought of that as superficial, you know? like who are we to own a pet and proclaim this life for our own? but in many ways isn’t god doing the same thing? but we are not god what. argh sorry for the nonsense shall mull over it for a bit tomorrow since it’s super early in the morning now…. and i bet i’m still under the influence of that stupid drug >.< and the title, by the way, is a crappy movie that i fell asleep watching. i can’t even remember who i watched it with. yeah it was crappy because i didn’t understand the big hooha with man-dog relations lah. not in that way you sickass.

i seriously don’t know how i managed to piss off two people in one day yesterday. no, it didn’t break my record (not proud of it!) but the two of them are really nice people; one of them being someone who has endured my wrath many a time and yet still hold nothing against me. i dunno why la, maybe pissing people off is my hobby hurhur.

i am such a stubborn cow. ok la i apologised via text to them both, and as expected, both are super nice again. don’t be so nice to me can? i don’t deserve it. but one of the replies scared me a little. don’t know what’s going on hmm.

yes, if you noticed my twitter, yes, imigresen again. this is my third trip there and now they tell me i need 1) parents’ passport and 2) their marriage certificate. wtf. last thurs when i went, they only told me i needed my birthcert, so i got my mum to dhl it over. she did not say anything about parents’ documents can. my parents are not in malaysia. i just came back from singapore on thurs. why the hell are they being so anal?! i just couldn’t help it but started tearing in the visa office. tak glam i know, but who cares. sigh. dad called the school and yes, i need the stupid visa to take my darn expensive exams and no, they cannot apply for me like all the other colleges. i remember the jb guy who charged me being very worked up at that, and in fact all the immigration officers are surprised that the school does not process my visa for me (despite claiming that they would do so in the past). see evil school yes? yes. what can i say, they’re british. anyway my mum is coming tomorrow and we’re going to butterworth again tomorrow so hopefully it works this time. if the same officers are there i bet they won’t be nice to me given that i just took the papers from them and left without saying a word. what was i to do huh? i’m sick and tired of malaysian authorities. i’m always, always, always at their mercy. don’t think i’ll be studying in kl in future. just want to get out of this place asap. (you’d understand if you know what happened to me earlier this year.) i hate going to butterworth.

this is before i even apply. there’s bound to be bumps in the process of application. probably want my spm-equivalent certs and all or something spastic. well my mum can’t find her marriage cert, so that’s one more hurdle. i don’t understand why i need the visa to take an external, international exam. retarded. i hope they issue the visa in time. i have less than two week, and i sure as hell don’t want to take the exam in november instead. i have all these plans!!!11

ok enough ranting back to bones bye bye. oh wait.. watch this; so cool and sweet. and sad. argh i’m nuts. better not talk to myself anymore.

AIDS – we’ve all heard of it - the staggering figures of infections throughout the world, how to prevent the spread and the need to raise awareness for the disease – our knowledge of AIDS are only to this extent. There is no real need for anyone who is out of the know to want to find out more about AIDS, who it affects and what happens after people are affected. This is the first step to generating an interest about AIDS and only when enough people are concerned will something actually be done about it. Nolen’s book has given the masses 28 chilling accounts of AIDS patients’ encounters with AIDS, and how it has affected their lives. It gives the readers a personal insight as to how this disease has affected them on a one-to-one level.

“People die in their houses because they know that if they go to the hospital there is no one there – they die without even a little Tylenol to relieve that pain because they can’t even afford that.” I read this line with a stinging in my heart. It is truly heartrending to know the conditions of the healthcare industries in Africa.

This book raises many questions that speak to us and our conscience, ultimately. Why is it that the epidemic was first detected it was in the US, and only after several testings did they find it rampant in Africa, where it first emerged? The level of treatment in a First-world and a Third-World country is so disparate that it brings to mind the phrase that ‘some animals are more equal than others’. Does being born in another country deny one of basic human rights that people in First World countries expect? What is being done about AIDS in Africa, and how much are people willing to give to solve ‘someone else’s problem’? Is it really someone else’s problem? How altruistic can we really be? Shouldn’t companies receive hard-earned money for their years of research to find an antiretroviral drug? How much of a social responsibility do we have to give to rebuild someone else’s country?

Indeed, selfish questions like some above have added to the full-blown epidemic of AIDS in Africa. This is a pressing problem that requires intervention immediately, and even though organisations such as Médecins Sans Frontières (MSF) have stepped in to aid with the HIV crisis, there still is much to be done.

Every single story plays on the emotions of the reader – tugging at our heartstrings and making us wonder what indeed is being done for most of the 28 people and similar patients of HIV. Yet a lot of these 28 are strong advocates that have changed the mindsets not only for the people in Africa but also our mindsets as readers. If I were to get HIV, my first thought would be “How long till I die”, but these people possess a tenacity that did not hold them back from accomplishing what they set out to do, or what they can do. People in positions of high authority came out of the shadow and shared how they contracted HIV, and became the best people to speak about prevention. Others such as nurses or doctors work tirelessly to help infected patients in their own ways. Personally, I see how God has been working through many of these patients and what purpose they served. Africa consists of countries with corrupted governments, low standards of living and education, and now epidemics of HIV that does not seem likely to ease up if people still engage in casual sex without any protection. People are also unwilling to speak up and step out to share their story, which is understandable. Even in 2005, when 800 people a day died of AIDS in South Africa, no one liked to say the word. HIV-positive patients who have spoken out are seen in a different light – “the hate and hostility [Winstone] had encountered in his twelve years of living openly with the disease”. As Nelson Mandela said, “Let us give publicity to HIV/AIDS and not hide it, because the only way to make it appear like a normal illness, like TB, like cancer, is always to come out and to say somebody has died because of HIV. And people will stop regarding it as something extraordinary.” Sadly, the shame of the disease is still so great that many continue to deny any possibility that they could be infected even as they display the symptoms, leading to even more infections.

“There are three main external variables in the AIDS equation debt: debt, aid and trade.” This is a vicious cycle that has left much of Africa devastated. Debt has left reserves high and dry, aid has been insufficient and poorly put to use, trade has been susceptible to exploitation (such as sweatshops by U.S. firms such as Nike and Gap). This has left Africa in ruins. Low wages, the very real possibility of contracting HIV and the condition Africa is in has led to the drain of medical personnel to other developed countries such as England. There are not enough people to handle the epidemic. Malawi “lost the equivalent of a whole year of graduates from its nursing colleges to the United Kingdom, and many of those who stayed behind deserted the public system… It wasn’t hard to understand why: the massive workload, the appalling conditions (few hospitals can keep latex gloves in stock, for example), the fact that before ARVs there was nothing they could do for most patients – all that for $100 a month?”

All over Africa there are people with HIV, who, because of cost or logistics, cannot get access to the medicines that would keep them alive. However there are also well-educated, gainfully employed people in Zimbabwe who cannot afford the drugs because the prices have been pushed entirely out of reach by rampant inflation. Moleen knew “she was dying because of an entirely artificial crisis, created by a megalomaniac president and perpetuated by the failure of other African leaders and the rest of the world to intervene.” The solution now is not to try to change the African government, but like the direct need of doctors, implement policies to intervene in the crisis. Although new generations of politicians and healthcare personnel have to be trained and raised, the more pressing problems have to be solved by foreign intervention.

Much of the discussion about the politics of AIDS in Africa focuses on the response and lack thereof of the West, but domestic African policies is just as pivotal. The first response towards the West’s claim was one of denial, and cited racism as a purpose. The governments, especially in South Africa have failed to embrace AIDS. Mbeki, for example, was against ARVs, and suggested that the furor around AIDs was a façade drawing attention away from inequity questions. He had let racism cloud his mind and failed to recognize what his country desperately needs. As Zackie puts it, you cannot let other people’s perceptions and prejudices draw your policy. “There is no doubt that strong leadership is the key to any effective response in the war against HIV… When the top person is committed, the response is much more effective.”
Nelson Mandela’s sharing of his son’s having AIDS made AIDS ‘all a bit more normal, a little less shameful’. The first step is to not be ashamed of your family member who has AIDS – how he will disgrace your family name – but to come to terms with the disease and accept him. Ironically, Mandela did not do much to help or publicise AIDS when he was in office. He could have done so much to help, but he did not. “In 199 ways, he was our country’s savior. In the 200th way, he was not.” The epidemic signifies a human struggle, a failure of leadership (“When historians write about HIV/AIDS, when they write about this period in time, they will ask – ‘Where were the leaders of Africa?’ “)

Ida, one of the ‘savviest, most dynamic AIDS educators’ in Africa had HIV. Doctors, nurses, military personnel, highly educated people who should have known better have contracted HIV and AIDS. Yet the solution to this problem is not quarantine, like we would normally avoid people who confessed what they were a victim of HIV. The social stigma of HIV and AIDS will always be present, but proper education should reach out to the masses to dispel this connotation. Avoidance and stigma show a lack of knowledge and a character that shows the ignorance and narrow-mindedness of the people. Diseases are aplenty in the world, and it would be difficult to not know someone who has an incurable disease even today. Avoidance is not the answer, but rather acceptance and encouragement.

We learn how HIV has affected these people’s lives, and how they try hard to live a normal life. For example, Andualem married an HIV-positive wife and tried to minimise the risk of his child being born with HIV. If I were him, I would give up all thoughts of living, much less marriage or offspring. Some of these accounts display extraordinary courage that some might term selfish. But to me, it is a brave attempt to carry on their lives in the most normal way as possible. Getting the disease is not the end of the world, but a mere turning point. It is up to the individual to decide if this turning point is for better or for worse.

What these people possess are optimistic spirits that proclaim: “A world without AIDS may not happen in our lifetime, but it is possible.” It is one thing to find hope, but another to find hope among such despair and chaos amidst a country with an AIDS epidemic, corrupted government and immorality. Yet as Ibrahim Umoru, who benefited from MSF’s programme puts, “I was a lucky man, but what about everyone else?” We see the lack of knowledge about HIV and AIDS even in Africa herself. We would expect the Africans, who have been most heavily hit by this epidemic, to know much more about HIV than other people out of the loop, especially when it is so close to home. Yet myths and lies such as using condoms will exacerbate the spread of HIV and fat girls do not have HIV unveil the lack of awareness where it is much needed. Religious actions such as condemning the use of condoms in the Catholic faith only serve to worsen the condition of HIV. The ‘A’ and ‘B’ of the ‘ABC’s of protection does not help to alleviate the condition in Africa now given the normal social practices. Even by themselves, ‘A’ and ‘B’ contradict with ‘C’. These are mixed signals that can only confuse the masses in Africa. There has to be a united way of spreading unified information.

One of the stories that touched me deeply was the short but moving story of Mpho. She did not indulge in unprotected sex, she did not deserve HIV or AIDs in any way – she was just twelve. ‘Virgin wives who waited 34 years’ to have sex on their marriage night had HIV, patients who were unwittingly infected with unsterilised needles in the hospital contracted HIV … these people did not deserve to get HIV. Yet they live in a society where HIV is prevalent and they can do nothing about it. Every single day people in Africa live with a higher risk of being exposed to the disease, either through their partners or through shared needles.

Women also get HIV by being with their husbands, voluntarily or not. In the case of Morolake, she had sex with her husband to comfort him although he was confirmed to have HIV. Divorce is almost unheard of in their society, and even if the husband is infidel or marries 2 other wives, divorce is not an option. Her fate is sealed if her husband contracts HIV. “Socially, culturally, religiously, everything around you screams ‘No’ to divorce.” Women make up the bulk of AIDS victims as biologically; they have a larger surface area of the mucosal cells which HIV attaches to. Their genital tissues are also much more likely to tear during sex. “Yet a toxic mix of culture, religion and economics often leaves women unable to do anything about that risk.” Many women also have to exchange sex for trade, right to pass and food. In a society where women’s rights are not widely recognised, it is difficult for a woman to escape this fate of being stricken with HIV and AIDS. There are many areas that ‘this global travesty’ can be relieved, and there has to be a multi-pronged approach to this epidemic. Ultimately it’s not only curing a continent of AIDS or HIV, but also treating the problems that are so deeply rooted in the societies, the societal norms, the leadership and so much more.

The epilogue ends with “Each day in Africa, 5,500 people die of HIV/AIDS – a treatable, preventable illness. We have twenty-eight million reasons to act.” Indeed, this is what Nolen’s book strives to portray. She uses real-life stories to convince people that something has to be done. Each one of the 28 stories speaks for itself. She not only shows us the gravity of the situation, but also why she risks her life to do her job in dangerous Africa and what has to be done to salvage what seems like a hopeless case at standing. All in all, 28 Stories of AIDS in Africa is a plea for something effective to be done, an educational tool to equip people everywhere with awareness and knowledge of how HIV/AIDS has affected patients’ lives, and a strong question for mankind as to what we are really doing to our world. Can we really sit back and watch another 28 million people die before action is taken?